Got an Idea?

Have you ever seen those ads asking you to call them if you have a great invention? Now you don't have to call somebody you don't know, you can just call Alpha Female instead. That's because Alpha Female just passed the test that she took so that she could practice in front of the United States Patent and Trademark Office. That means that she can get patents for people! She said she wasn't too worried about it but I think she was lying because every time I tried to blog last week, she kicked me off of the computer and said she had to study for the patent bar. So I'm glad that's over and I'm glad that she passed the exam. However, I am not looking forward to living with her while she is studying for the state bar exam. She can be kind of high stress. Maybe I can look into putting her in boarding while she's studying. And I wonder if I can get a patent on the bubble beard that Thing 1 is sporting in this picture.

Hoppy Easter

Doggie Bill of Rights

One of my many areas of expertise is the law. I am particularly interested in achieving equal rights for dogs. In fact, I am such an expert in this field that if you google "equal rights for dogs" I am the number one hit. Impressive, don't you think? Because of my preeminence in the field, I would like to put forth a Doggie Bill of Rights. So far I can only think of two items to add to this document, but they are very important. They are:

1. Dogs are equal to humans in every way, but far, far superior to cats.
2. If it falls on the floor, the dog can eat it.

I anticipate no problems getting item 1 passed. It is simply a statement of truth. However, I fear I may face challenges getting item 2 passed. Not the least of which may come from my own family. For years, I have been taught that if food fell on the floor it was my right, duty even, to eat it. And I was always happy to eat the floor food (except for pickles, I don't care for pickles). Even Thing 1 abided by this maxim until recently. Last week she began fighting back and trying to claim floor food as her own. While I was happily eating raisins she had dropped, she said, "no, no, no" while pulling on my ears. I was understandably confused at first, after all, I was just doing my job, but then I realized that she thought she could pick the raisins up and continue eating them even though they had been on the floor. Even more alarming, the Alphas haven't provided any guidance in this struggle. They have taken the stance that whoever gets to the floor food first may eat it. This uncertainty is unacceptable. I am calling upon the Alphas to declare that years of doggie law must be upheld and food on the floor must be declared the exclusive property of dogs. Teach Thing 1 good manners and help out this starving dog by declaring floor food off limits to humans.

In the spirit of fairness, I have provided Thing 1 with this space for a rebuttal. She initially read her proclamation, as pictured, and then transcribed her thoughts below. Incidentally, I appreciate that she takes this issue just as seriously as I do and go dressed up for her speech.

Nnn mn m< xc ]m\’

Can You Smell That Smell?

Have you ever been five minutes into watching a movie and already know how it's going to end? If you already know that the couple who seem to hate each other are going to end up madly in love, why even watch the movie? I think the reason we do this is because the journey can still be enjoyable. We know where we're going, but we don't know exactly how we'll get there. This must have been what Alpha Female was thinking about when she saw Thing 1 come into the kitchen with a glass bottle of perfume. Alpha Female knew that the bottle would break, but she didn't take the bottle away from Thing 1 because she must have been wondering how Thing 1 was going to break the bottle. As it turns out, that movie wasn't worth watching. Thing 1 dropped the bottle just second after walking into the kitchen with it. Of course, just as predicted, it broke. The thing about perfume is that it is pretty hard to clean up. It is a lot oilier than you might imagine. Despite multiple floor moppings, it's really stinking up my house this morning. I think I'm going to go outside and roll around in something to get rid of this stink of perfume.

Pre-Easter Warmups

The Alphas took the Things to an Easter Egg hunt today. The Alphas reported that Thing 1 didn't like meeting the Easter Bunny. She screamed when she got close to him. Of course, they didn't need to tell me about the screaming, because even though they were at a park about a mile away from our house and I was left at home (of course) I think I could still hear her screaming. It was really that loud, not to mention blood curdling. Alpha Female took this picture of the encounter.


It's kind of hard to tell how upset Thing 1 is in this picture because Alpha Female took a terrible, unfocused picture and there was no time to redo the picture because of all of the loud screaming. However, the look of sheer terror on Thing 1's face is not really the reason I am showing you this picture. The Alphas asserted that Thing 1 screamed loud enough to be heard from miles away because she didn't like the Easter Bunny. But did they get a look at that thing standing next to the Easter Bunny?! Let's take a good look at him.


Talk about terrifying! What is that thing? I hope that you are not frightened because I showed you this picture. After seeing this, I would have been surprised if I hadn't been able to hear Thing 1 scream all the way from the park.

Fortunately, Thing 1 was able to get over her terrifying experience and gorge herself on the chocolate that was hidden inside the eggs she found. Chocolate always tastes better when you've had to work for it. Wait a minute, who am I kidding? I don't know what chocolate tastes like, but I bet it would be delicious whether or not I had to work for it.

Guest Blogger

Earlier today, while Alpha Female was busy guessing actual retail prices without going over (I'm not sure if she was really watching The Price Is Right, but the point is that she was totally ignoring Thing 1), I discovered Thing 1 sitting at the computer. After I took these pictures, I asked her what she was doing and it turns out that she was trying to write a blog post. I looked at what she was writing and, of course, I said things like, "Wow! You're a really good writer" and "Aren't you a big girl" and "Your blog is going to be better than my blog." But I was just humoring her, the truth is that her writing wasn't very good at all. It just looked like a bunch of jibber jabber to me. She wasn't even writing actual words, I think she might have just been pressing random keys! That toddler has a lot to learn before she can blog like this dog can.

My Kind of Town

I was surfing the web this morning and stumbled upon this story. In case you don't feel like reading it, it is about a town that is paying people $5 for each feral cat that they turn in. The problem for me is that the cat must be alive to get the bounty. The reason they are doing this is because the town was being overrun by bothersome cats. There is even a report of a dog being attacked by a cat. Isn't that a sign of the apocalypse? How embarrassing to be known as the dog that was attacked by a cat. That is just wrong.

Mastication

Why is Thing 1 so gross? It seems like whenever I talk about her, I am talking about some new gross thing she is doing. Fortunately, this is not about some new gross thing she is doing. This is about an old gross thing. She likes to chew up food and then keep it in her mouth without swallowing it. Later, sometimes hours later, she'll spit the food out. Don't get me wrong, I'll eat any food I can get my paws on, but food that has been in a toddler's mouth for well over thirty minutes tends to get kind of warm. Not too bad if it is a green bean or something else that is supposed to be warm, but it is a little weird to eat warm fruit. Maybe she keeps the food in her mouth in case she decides she is hungry later. I should try that, but I doubt I have the willpower to put food in my mouth without eating it.

On a totally unrelated topic, you and I both know that the only thing that separates humans from dogs is that humans have hands with opposable thumbs. If I had thumbs, I'd be able to do everything that you do. I guess that is why it is big news around here that Thing 2 is discovering that she has hands. She is slowly, very slowly, becoming more like a human. But I'm going to enjoy this time while she is still spitting out milk for me, but has not yet perfected the use of her hands to the point where she can pull my beard.

Finally, did you notice that the slide show on the right hand side of my blog is showing new pictures? Pretty impressive of Alpha Male to make a new album and for me to update my blog to point to it, don't you think?

The Sleep Experiment

Because I am a scientific sort of dog, every now and then I like to do some experimentation. My most recent experiment began about four months ago. I started by developing a hypothesis that I would be able to test. I hypothesized that sleep deprivation would lead to loss of a sense of humor, clumsiness, and increased body hair.

I began my experiment back in November 2007. This was when I collected my control data. I started by recording what the Alphas found amusing and how often they made others laugh. I also carefully observed their skills which displayed any coordination. Finally, when they were sleeping, I counted how many hairs they had covering their bodies. This period of data collection ended when Thing 2 was born.

Since the birth of Thing 2, and the corresponding onset of sleep deprivation, I have been collecting evidence to test my hypothesis. With regards to the sense of humor I have found that there has been no measurable change. The Alphas weren't very funny before Thing 2 was born and they're still not funny. However, I think that I have gotten funnier since I have been getting less sleep. The picture that I made of my family as M&M's is one of the funniest things I've ever seen! I've got to thank sleep deprivation for assisting me with the creation of that hilarity. My conclusion is that sleep deprivation actually increases one's comedic abilities. (At least in the view of this sleep deprived dog.)

My assessment of clumsiness provided some interesting results. I have found that Alpha Female has been dropping more food recently. Of course, I'm here to help her clean it up so, once again, my thanks go out to sleep deprivation. However, most telling of the increased lack in coordination was an event that transpired at the gym last week. Alpha Female fell off the treadmill. Yes, she actually was running on the treadmill one second and in the arms of the lady on the treadmill next to her the next second. She said it was embarrassing, but I think it's just hilarious, not to mention important scientific evidence. My conclusion is that sleep deprivation definitely leads to clumsiness.

Finally, I counted all the hairs on the Alphas again last night and have found no increase. I would have to conclude that my hypothesis about a link between body hair and sleep deprivation was incorrect. Too bad, because it would have been a great cure for baldness. I'll continue to monitor the Alphas' behavior and provide ongoing updates on the effects of sleep deprivation for as long as the condition persists in my house. Hopefully it will last a lot longer, I like eating all of the food that gets dropped.

Ewww!

How can somebody so adorable be so disgusting? Of course, I am talking about Thing 1. And, of course, it has to do with poop. Who would have thought that poop would play such a prominent role in the life of a 22 month old?

Since I told you about the first time that she took her diaper off in her crib, she has done it a few more times. During this time, she has progressed to the point where she'll take her pants off and then take her diaper off. Then she goes to sleep and wakes up in a big puddle. Fortunately, she hadn't learned how to unsnap a onesie. So if she was put to bed wearing a onesie, she would wake up with her diaper still attached.

Perhaps you noticed my use of the past tense, she hadn't learned how to unsnap a onesie. That changed this weekend and in dramatic fashion, too. She decided that if she was going to make a big breakthrough and learn how to unsnap, she should mark the occasion with something a little grander than just leaving a wet spot in the crib. She decided this would be a good time for her to poop in her diaper before taking it off. And, naturally, once she saw the gross deposit in her diaper, she just had to play with it. And that is how Alpha Male found her when he got her up from her nap on Sunday. Naked, except for the poo. When I heard him calmly call for Alpha Female, I knew that something gross must have happened, so I stayed far away. But I did see lots of bleach and laundry going in and out of Thing 1's room. When all of the hoopla died down, I gave the Alphas some very good advice. I told them that it is time to either step up potty training or invest in lots of duct tape to secure those diapers. I think the duct tape might be more successful, because (and don't tell the Alphas I said this) if she's not potty trained by now, I'm not sure that she is potty trainable. I mean, I was completely potty trained by three months old, and I'm just a dog. I hope they like buying diapers...and duct tape.

My Human Brother

Today was my human brother's birthday. On this special day, and every day, we hold Aiden in our thoughts and in our hearts.