I'm Still Here

Alpha Male asked me today if I had stopped blogging. It was kind of a weird question to get from him. He usually asks me things like, "Are you hungry?" or "Do you need to go out?" You know, questions I can answer by jumping around and running to a particular place in the house. I'm not sure why he asked if I had stopped blogging, it's not like I can talk or even shake my head. Sometimes he's just weird I guess. But the answer is no, I haven't stopped, just slowed down a little. What do you expect from a seventy year old living with three kids under four?


Of course, there is lots to share from my family. Maybe too much, I don't know where to start. I'll try to catch you up by sharing my very own list of things I've heard in my house during the last month.


10. "Thing 1, don't eat your boogers."

9. "Thing 2, don't eat your boogers."

8. "Girls, don't sit on your brother."

7. "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" This is usually said by one of the Things, but I've also heard it come from Alphas coupled with a huge mess and a hint of despair in their voices.

6. I'm not sure how to spell this one, but in my house it is spoken very loudly and in an unthinkably high pitch, "AAEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII." I am pretty sure it translates to "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" and I'm pretty sure Thing 2 is the only one capable of producing this sound.

5. "You don't need to feed Gauss, he already ate." I hate it when I hear this.

4. "It looks like a tornado came through this place!" If I had a dollar for every time I heard this...

3. "Thing 2 is waking me up." Thing 1 says this after she has been screaming and protesting bed for several minutes and then Thing 2 rustles her sheets as she turns over in her crib. Oh, if the Things only understood irony.

2. Alpha Male: "Who spilled all this water all over the bathroom floor?"
Alpha Female: "Uh, water's not yellow."

1. Alpha Female: "Wow! Horton really is going to be crawling before Christmas."
Alpha Male: "He's a beefcake."

The Day After

I hope everybody had a great Halloween. I know I did. I love it when the doorbell rings, it gives me a great excuse to bark for an awkwardly long time.

Last week, Alpha Female went to New York City for work. She participated in mediating and settling a patent infringement case for a client. She was in a great mood after she was done working. She called Alpha Male and I could hear her blathering on about how much she loved her job and how happy she was that she went to law school. She got home very late last Friday night, actually it was very early Saturday morning. We were already asleep here. I was the only one that got up to greet her, so I was the only one that saw her hide something under her coat before she went to bed. A couple of hours later, I was awoken to the sounds of Alpha Male walking around the house in the middle of the night. This is something he never does, so I stuck close by to make sure he wasn't going to try to drive in his sleep or something. Again, I was the only witness to him finding the box that was hidden under Alpha Female's coat and I watched him dance around the kitchen like an eight-year-old on Christmas morning. What I found out later was that Alpha Female bought him a camera while she was in NYC. And not just any camera, but a camera he had been pining for for a long time and is out of stock almost everywhere (including the first two stores that Alpha Female visited to buy it). That's very nice, but where is the appreciation for all of the hard work, support, and sacrifices that I made while she was in school?

What does this all have to do with Halloween you may ask. Well, because Alpha Male had the camera, he was able to take these photos and videos of Snow White, Ariel, and Sleepy on Halloween:

Snow White, Ariel, and Sleepy Enjoy Halloween 2009 from gauss dogg on Vimeo.

Self Taught

It's been so long since I've posted an update that I'm not sure where to start. I haven't been able to post in a while because I'm exhausted by all the kids in this house and spending my spare time sleeping. Of course, as always the Alphas will tell you that they are handling things just fine, but I'll tell you the truth. The house is constantly a wreck, the dirty clothes hampers runeth over, the grass is about two feet high, and instead of doing the dishes the Alphas just bought more sippy cups. If the Alphas would just turn the football games off for a couple of hours maybe they could make this house presentable. But I digress from the big news of the day.

Thing 2 has potty trained herself! After her bath last night she did the potty dance. Alpha Female thought this was kind of weird since the Alphas have made no effort to encourage her use of the potty. Luckily I was able to whip my stenograph out in time to record the following conversation:

Alpha Female: Thing 2, do you need to use the potty?

Thing 2: Yeah.

Alpha Female: Go tell Daddy you need to use the potty. (Way to pass the buck!)

Alpha Male: Thing 2, do you need to use the potty?

Thing 2: Yeah. (There's a lot of repetition in this house.)

Thing 2: (Sitting on potty.) (Lots of grunting and funny faces.)

Alpha Male: (quietly) I think she's going to poop!

Alpha Female: No way! That would be very weird, we haven't even started potty training her.

Thing 1: (closing the bathroom door) She needs her privacy!

Thing 2: (more grunting)

Alpha Male: Hurray! She did it! Thing 2, you went poopy in the potty!

Alpha Female: Hurry, give her some chocolate! (I have know idea why she said that, I figure it was just a random comment.)

Thing 1: Yay!

Thing 2: Yeah.

At this point I packed up the stenograph, but she followed up with refusing to wear a diaper until she went pee pee on the potty and she used the potty again tonight. It wasn't all that long ago that Thing 1 did this and the Alphas are weirdly excited again. I saw Alpha Female bring in big boxes of diapers, diaper wipes, and pull-ups from the store today. Why would they want to give all that up?

Where did I put that again?

Thing 1 had a doctor's appointment today to check on her broken arm. Do you see anything weird in this x-ray? (Besides Alpha Female and Thing 1 holding hands.)



In the bottom left of the picture, you can see a foreign object in the cast. How did it get there? Thing 1 must have shoved it in. Fortunately, as it turns out, Thing 1 had to have the little cast replaced with a big cast that goes to her shoulder. When the little cast was removed, the Alphas were pleased to discover that the foreign object was the cover for the mouse pointer on Alpha Female's laptop. They had been looking for that for days. Alpha Female had even asked Thing 1 where it was and Thing 1 said that Thing 2 had taken it. She was lying! I hope the Alphas remember this and don't believe her the next time she says that I ate her missing food.

Owww! My Arm!

I thought the big news this month would be that Horton is finally sleeping through the night. It has been a week now without the Alphas getting up to feed him in the middle of the night. And he actually has a reasonable schedule. Asleep by 9:00 p.m., awake after 7:00 a.m. And with how much Alpha Female has been fixated on and looking forward to this momentous accomplishment, I thought I would have to listen to her celebrate and talk about nothing else for weeks. But Thing 1 managed to top Horton's accomplishment.


You are probably wondering, "How is that possible?" Well, she acquired super powers. Hard to believe, but it's true. The problem is she only acquired partial super powers. She has the ability to jump over sofas in a single bound, but her bones aren't hard enough to withstand the landing. That is why Alpha Female had to rush to the emergency room after receiving a somewhat misleading phone call letting her know that there "might" be something wrong with Thing 1's arm. Might be? I've never seen an arm all twisted around like that when there wasn't something wrong. Actually, I've just never seen an arm all twisted around like that. And unless she is Elastigirl, the bones weren't going to pop back in place by themselves. For your enjoyment, I have included a picture of her singing and dancing around the x-ray room after her multiple x-rays, but you might not want to look too closely at her right hand.


So after spending the afternoon at the emergency room, they received the worse news of the day, Thing 1 wouldn't be able to eat until after the cast was put on the next day at 2:30 P.M.!!!!!! What were they going to do when she got hungry? Of course she would ask for apple juice in the morning and that Thing does not like to hear, "No." If it had been me, I would have opted for the mangled arm rather than the missed breakfast. But Alpha Female is not so reasonable and decided to distract Thing 1 from her hunger pains by buying her things. And to make it worse (I just don't understand Alpha Female) she decided to make a show of solidarity by not eating or drinking until Thing 1 was able to.

They left the house around 8:00 a.m. with a mission to not notice the hunger pains. The library and the ducks outside the library occupied them for a while, but then the spending began. They went to the mall and bought jewelry, got a haircut, made a doll and named her Lucy, and bought ponytail holders. Then they traveled over to Toys R Us and bought halloween costumes for the Things and walked every aisle while Thing 1 pointed to each toy and said, "You can get me this for my birthday!" I think Alpha Female agreed to buy pretty much the whole store for Thing 1's fourth birthday.


They arrived at the hospital at the appointed time and drew pictures, read books, and watched cartoons for about three hours before Thing 1 and Lucy were happily carried back to the operating room. About a half hour later Alpha Female joined them in recovery and noticed that both Dana and Lucy had beautiful pink casts on their right arms! I think that Alpha Female is in love with the entire surgical staff at the hospital because of that thoughtful gesture.


Thing 1 is recovering beautifully. In fact, she thought that yesterday was her birthday because she got so much stuff. And she has been eating candy nonstop since coming home from the hospital. I've counted at least four lollipops today. Is that what it takes around here, do I have to break my leg to get an extra dog biscuit?

Thumbkin

This morning Alpha Female was giving Thing 1 a manicure. Thing 1 was happily admiring Alpha Female's work when she appeared to be overcome by emotion and said, "I love you." Of course, Alpha Female beamed from all the love in the room and said, "I love you, too, honey" and moved in for a kiss. To which Thing 1 replied, "No! I was talking to my thumb." Which was followed by Thing 1 looking lovingly at her thumb and repeating, "I love you, I love you, I love you." I find the whole thing a little weird, but what do I know, I've never had thumbs.

Horton Gets a Room

Most parents have a room decorated for their baby long before the baby is born. Poor Horton, his parents are not like most. About two weeks ago he finally got to move out of the Alphas' bedroom and into a room of his own. This was made possible because the Things were consolidated into one bedroom. The Things have taken to it surprisingly well. Thing 1 likes to come out of their room and tell on Thing 2. I guess Thing 1 has decided that it is against the rules for Thing 2 to stand up in her crib. So whenever Thing 2 stands up, Thing 1 stands in her doorway and yells, "Thing 2 is standing up!" That makes Thing 2 cry, which makes Thing 1 say, "Stop crying! Mommy, Thing 2 is crying and waking me up!" And this is actually better than the Alphas thought it would go. I'm not sure what they were expecting. Maybe more hair pulling?

But I digress. My point is that Horton now has his own room. But it is kind of a weird room for a boy. After living in it for two weeks, it now has a blue changing pad cover (instead of a pink one), a jungle animal bumper pad, and a yellow crib sheet (instead of a pink one). But there are still flowery curtains and a flowery pink fan and Thing 2's name is still on the shelf on the wall. Just yesterday, Horton's name went up on the shelf, but it is kind of haphazardly placed on top of Thing 2's. You would think that the Alphas could have found a few minutes during the twelve weeks of Horton's life or the nine months of Alpha Female's pregnancy to spruce up a room a little bit. Poor Horton. I think the only reason he's not sleeping through the night yet is so that he can guarantee himself a little one on one time with a parent. It doesn't bother him that it's the middle of the night.

Happy Anniversary Alphas

Ten years ago today, the Alphas woke up to an innkeeper pounding on their door and inviting them down to breakfast. Ten minutes later, they woke up to the innkeeper pounding on their door and inviting them down to breakfast again. Five minutes after that they had the pleasure of waking up to the innkeeper pounding on the door and warning them to come down to breakfast or else. They still haven't figured out why that innkeeper didn't figure out that they wanted to sleep past 8:00 a.m. the morning after they got married. They assured me that her breakfast wasn't that good. And that was the last time they stayed at a B&B.
This morning, the Alphas woke up to Thing 1 saying, "Mommy, the sun is up. Time to get up. Daddy, I want to watch a movie!" And it wasn't even 7 a.m. Within minutes, Horton was demanding food and Thing 2 needed to be picked up and carried everywhere. Even though they woke up an hour earlier and didn't get to sleep through the night, the Alphas think that August 22, 2009 is better than August 22, 1999.

Hypothesises, Hypotheses, Hypothesi, More than One Hypothesis

If you haven't talked to Alpha Female in a while, I recommend that you don't. If you have, I am sorry. I'm sure the conversation involved a lot of sleep induced blank stares on the part of Alpha Female, and when she did talk, she probably regaled you with Horton's nighttime adventures. I think he is being graded on the duration and timing of his sleep. Sleeping for four continuous hours is good, but it only counts if it occurs when it's dark out.
I hate to be as boring as Alpha Female by blogging about this, but I feel it's my duty to share, as she has become obsessed with getting Horton to sleep more at night. She has developed a continuing string of hypothesises. He isn't sleeping all night because (1) he's too cold, (2) he's not wrapped up tightly enough, (3) he isn't eating enough, (4) he's too hot, (5) he wrapped up too tightly, (6) he slept too much during the day, (7) he didn't sleep enough during the day.... As soon as one hypothesis is proven wrong, she replaces it with another increasingly complicated reason to explain why our seven week old doesn't sleep through the night. She just can't seem to accept that the reason he isn't sleeping through the night is because he is just seven weeks old!


Now on to a much more interesting topic: me! Yesterday was my tenth birthday. Alpha Male forgot all about it, but when Alpha Female mentioned it to Thing 1, that precious little child suggested that they make a cake for me. Unfortunately, they didn't let me eat any, but it's the thought that counts. And they sure made a mess baking that cake. Shouldn't one of the Alphas supervise this sort of thing?

Adjustments

The new baby has been around for over a month now and we have all had to make adjustments. I am adjusting to sleeping in a different room, where he doesn't wake me up all night. Alpha Female is adjusting by resigning herself to the fact that she can no longer afford the luxury of showering everyday. She is also complaining a lot about not sleeping. What did she expect? Hasn't she done this before? I just tell her to quit her whining.

Thing 2 wants to be held constantly now. The Alphas think this is because she is at that age where kids have a little bit more separation anxiety and the baby probably hasn't helped. But I think it's much simpler than that. She sees that the kids now out number the parents so if all three kids want something at the same time, one of them will have to wait. She figures that if she attaches herself to at least one parent at all times, she'll never be the one not being taken care of. I think it's a brilliant strategy.

Thing 1 is definitely noticing the changes around here. She doesn't really talk about it with the Alphas, but she does share when she goes to school. Last week she informed her teacher of the anatomical differences between her and her brother. "I have a vagina. My brother has a penis." So it turns out she does listen to everything the Alphas tell her. She also thought it was noteworthy that, while their mouths looks the same, she has teeth and her brother doesn't, although he some how manages to retain a tongue.

Finally, I have spent what little free time I have nowadays trying to decide on a name for the new baby. I have decided to call him Horton, because "a person's a person no matter how small."

Happy Father's Day

I have the honor of living with one of the best daddy's around (even though he doesn't always feed me on time). Happy Father's Day!

We Have Separation

Big news in my house today: the baby's umbilical cord stub fell off! Just moments after the big event, he enjoyed a warm bath with Thing 1 instead of a cold sponge bath on the counter. From the lack of crying, I am guessing that he enjoyed the change. I think he looks much cuter without the umbilical stub.

There is more big news in my family today, even bigger than the umbilical cord news if you can believe it; my newest human cousin was born yesterday. She and my baby are destined to live competitive lives with one another. She is bigger than him, but I hope my baby is the first to sleep through the night.

Road Trip

Last week the Alphas took the whole family for our first outing. All the kids and the Alphas piled in the car to come pick me up from the animal doctor (I was there for the previously mentioned worm problem). The reason they all came is because the animal doctor is right next door to an ice cream stand and the Things love ice cream. So after they all ate ice cream, it was time to get back in the car. Of course, I tried to get into my regular spot between the two car seats in the back. The problem was that my spot had been taken over by yet a third car seat. So can you believe where they put me? You are probably thinking that I got to ride in the front seat passenger's lap, but no! I had to ride all the way in the back, in the same place that Alpha Female puts the groceries! At first it was pretty humiliating but then I started to enjoy having all that space to myself. And it gave me a good opportunity to listen to the conversation on the drive home. Alpha Female sounds like such a mom! I'm not sure when she transformed from being a kid herself to being a mom, but I am sure that the transformation is now complete. This is what I heard that led me to this conclusion, "Thing 1, stop kicking your sister. Thing 1, there is an invisible line between your seat and your sister's seat, you must stay on your side of the line. Thing 1, put your hand back on your side of the line. Thing 1, stop kicking! Thing 2, give your sister her shoe back..." I hope that a car with an extra row of seating is in our future.

Too Good to be True

Let me just say that my favorite part about having a new baby is not the sleepless nights. I am a dog that needs my sleep. An uninterrupted 9 hours at night followed by at least one solid 4 hour nap and a couple of shorter naps is what I really prefer. When the Alphas bring a new baby home, it really interferes with my 9 hours of quality sleep. I start to feel the same way that Alpha Female starts to look. It's not pretty. At least I don't start to smell the way that Alpha Female smells. I'm not sure if the smell comes from the baby spit up plastered on her or from her giving up daily showers.

But I digress, I was talking about sleep, or the lack thereof. Surprisingly, with this new baby my sleep has not been impacted as severely as with the others. I am happy to report that last night and the night before, he only woke up once during the night! I hope I'm not jinxing it by mentioning it, I'm sure Alpha Female will make me start living outside if I mess this up for her. I think I know why he sleeps so well, though. I took this picture of him so that I can share his secret with other families out there. Alpha Female lets him read himself to sleep using her Kindle. He was reading Hemingway this night before he fell asleep.

Catching Up

I don't like it when I have to start a post with an apology. I don't like it because it means I have been letting down my fans by not diligently reporting on the happenings in my family and I don't like it because it means admitting that I'm a bad dog. But I'm afraid that this apology is long over due as I have been very reticent in regards to sharing the recent goings on of my family. There is so much to catch up on that I'm not sure where to start.

I suppose I should start with more details about our new addition and his arrival. For about a month before he showed up, Alpha Female was pretty much useless around the house. She just sat around like an extra piece of furniture. If one of the Things asked her for something, she would send them to Alpha Male. And I don't think she had fed me or picked up anything off the floor since the end of April. She was really a pretty pathetic sight, huge, but pathetic. She laid in bed a lot and rolled around like a beached whale. It wasn't pretty. Her belly hung out from the bottom of her shirts. But I should stop airing all of her dirty laundry, just in case she ever reads my blog. And ever since the baby has arrived, she has been much better. She is finally starting to pull her weight around here again. I am happy to report that once again I am being fed regularly and we have clean laundry. Alpha Male is equally happy about her return to normalcy.

Along with the return of Alpha Female has come the addition of the baby. I'm not generally a fan of babies because they tend to make a lot of noise and don't give food offerings. This baby isn't that much different, he doesn't give food offerings and he does wake me up in the middle of the night. However, there is a silver lining. With the Alphas out numbered it is easier for me to get what I want from one of the Things. I have managed to teach Thing 2 that when she is done eating at the table, she can just "drop" the rest of her food on the ground for me. She is highly trainable. Also, I discovered that there has been a medical reason for my insatiable appetite. Well, actually Alpha Male discovered the tape worms crawling out of my body. The humans seem to think this is disgusting and have taken me to the doctor to "fix" the problem, but I liked the excuse to be able to eat more.

Now that I have three human children to report on simultaneously, I'm going to have to figure out something to call the new one. I don't think I can use "Thing 3" because there never was really a Thing 3 and I am a slave to authenticity. Luckily, lots of things come in threes so I should have plenty of choices. Maybe they could be the 3 little pigs.

Welcome Ian

Ian Charles was born Sunday morning at 8:19, weighing in at 8 lbs. 3 oz. While Thing 2 is not at all impressed with her baby brother, Thing 1 has taken a surprising liking to him. She wants to hold him all the time and just looking at him makes her laugh.

Look at that, there is clearly room for two more!

Save the Drama for your Mama

My goodness, Bubbles isn't even born yet and he is causing all kinds of drama around the house. Apparently most human babies turn head down in their mamas' bellies when they are about 32 weeks old. Bubbles decided to wait until he was about 37 weeks old to turn himself around. That means that for the last week and a half, the Alphas have been preparing themselves for a trip to the hospital to let the doctor make him turn, and if that didn't work, he would have had to have been surgically removed from Alpha Female's belly (also known as a C-section). Luckily, when they went for an ultrasound today to confirm that he was still breech in anticipation of going to the hospital later this week, they found that he had flipped over. After the Alphas gave each other big high fives, they took a peek at the little guy and it looks like he is doing fine and big enough to come out any day now according to Alpha Female. I can't wait to meet him and teach him how to feed me.

Chatty Cathy

Thing 1 really talks a lot, especially at bedtime. I thinks she would stay up all night chatting if they would let her. The Alphas seem to be amused by most of the things she says, but I don't think they are funny. Like tonight when she told on me...again. Telling on me seems to be one of her new favorite things to do. Every night when Thing 1 goes to bed she brings a snack with her. It started as two raisins and progressed to jelly beans and chocolate chips at one point but it has recently receded to four grapes. And where there is food, I will be found. So after Thing 1 falls asleep, I like to go in her room and eat whatever food is left. (I wouldn't want the food to spoil over night and let her good food poisoning when she ate it in the morning.) The problem is that some nights it takes her a long time to fall asleep, so I've stopped waiting for her to fall asleep and have started going in to her room for a snack as soon as the Alphas leave her unattended. At first I think she enjoyed the company. However, tonight she ratted me out and screamed, "Noooo!" when I ate just one grape. And after she got more grapes, I went back in her room and she yelled, "Mommy, Gauss is sleeping in my room!" Most kids would love to have their loyal dog sleep with them. I have got to figure out a way to win back her trust. Maybe I should figure out a way to break into the Alphas' chocolate chip stash and share them with her.

Thing 2 is starting to talk a lot, too. The words she says best are "uh-oh" and "no." I'm not sure what that says about her, but I think it means that she might be a mischievous little troublemaker. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Happy Birthday Thing 1

Thing 1 turned 3 today. She helped make her birthday cake and birthday cupcakes and I heard Alpha Female offer her a job as a sous chef. I was happy to hear that, because as long as Thing 1 is helping in the kitchen I know I won't have to wait long for something edible to drop to on the floor.

Keep Your Head Down

I haven't been hearing a lot about baby Bubbles at all during this pregnancy. I think the novelty of being pregnant has kind of worn off for Alpha Female. I guess when it comes to a pregnancy, no news is good news. If it wasn't for Alpha Female's ridiculously enormous girth I may have forgotten that she was going to have another baby, but recently she has actually been buying baby stuff. We now have newborn diapers and some formula in the house. I think we're ready to bring a new baby home. And the Alphas found out that Bubbles is head down so he must be starting to think about meeting us, too. I'm looking forward to meeting him. There's nothing like newborn spit up, yummy!

Wardrobe Changes

Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't Cher been known to wear about 50 different outfits during a single concert? I think that Thing 1 might be a little Cher in the making. In the world of two year old humans, I don't think it is that unusual that Thing 1 wears at least one normal outfit and one princess outfit during the day, then after her bath she puts on pajamas, but must change into a princess dress before she actually goes to bed. However, she brought it to a whole new level this morning when she woke Alpha Female up and demanded helping changing from her princess dress back into pajamas at 5:30 a.m. From the growls coming out of Alpha Female, I don't think she is a big fan of Thing 1's fashion decisions.

In the Dog House

I am not a bad dog. I am an opportunist. When Thing 1 went out in the backyard alone while eating a piece of bread I saw an opportunity. I followed her around the side of the house where nobody could see us and I used my powers of persuasion to convince her to give me the bread. That's what really happened. Unfortunately, she decided to give the Alphas a different version of events. While we were still on the other side of the house, she started to cry. When Alpha Female came running, Thing 1 held up her hand and said, "Gauss, bit me." Of course, the Alphas believed her. Despite the complete absence of blood or, indeed a mark of any kind, I got dirty looks and had to listen to them tell me what a bad dog I am just because Thing 1 put her bread where I could reach it. And then to top off the humiliation, Thing 1 pointed her finger at me and sternly said, "We do not bite our friends." That made the Alphas laugh, but it made me wonder if it was OK to bite people who are not our friends...

Did Somebody Say Disney?

The Alphas took Thing 1 to Disney World last weekend. That's right. The didn't take me and they didn't take Thing 2. The only one they brought to the happiest place on earth was Thing 1. The problem was that she didn't think it was the happiest place on earth. She thought it was the scariest place on earth. When Alpha Female went to Disney as a kid she thought there were only two scary rides, Space Mountain and Thunder Mountain; and Thunder Mountain wasn't really that scary. But it turns out she was wrong. Most of the rides are very scary, just ask Thing 1.

They started out on Snow White, Thing 1 had been looking forward to seeing Snow White, but as soon as she saw the evil witch stirring her cauldron she decided she would like to get off the ride NOW! And just in case you're wondering, the whole ride is scary. The brightly lit scene with Snow White traipsing through the woods while the dwarfs whistle and the birds sing never happens. After traumatizing her with Snow White, the Alphas thought that Small World would surely go over better. But they learned that when you're two and you've been one one scary ride, all rides seem scary. Even happy Small World. She was really glad to get off of that one. After the Tiki gods scared her in the Tiki room and Pooh's LSD dream freaked her out on the Pooh ride, the Alphas finally wised up and took her to the Country Bear Jamboree. At least she thought the Bears were funny. And she didn't think that getting chased by wild hippos was scary either. I think it's weird that she thought children dancing and singing were scarier than giant bears and wild hippos.

Doggy Abuse

We all hear a lot about child abuse and we are starting to hear more about elder abuse. I feel like it is unnecessary for me to add more to the conversation about how terrible these things are. What I would like to do instead is spend some time focusing on areas of abuse that are less discussed, for instance parental abuse. That's right, when children abuse their own parents. This is not a topic that is discussed very often, in fact some people without children may deny that it even exists. But let me assure you that it does. And I suspect that it happens in every home with young children. Time will only tell if it continues as the children age. I feel no shame in admitting that I have witnessed parental abuse in my own home. And I'm not talking about mild parental abuse either. This is more than occasionally kicking Alpha Female in the stomach during a tantrum or biting Alpha Male when overcome with emotion. The parental abuse I've witnessed should be felony parental abuse. More times than I care to mention I've seen one of the Things covered in their own poop and smearing their poop on toys, walls, and sheets then forcing the Alphas to clean it up. I've also seen my own precious Things poop in the bathtub and force the Alphas to clean that up. Come on, how are you supposed to get a dozen pieces of poop that are just barely too big to go down the drain out of the bathtub? And how can you possible disinfect the Things that were in the bathtub when the contamination started? They were supposed to be in there to get clean, not to get covered in E. Coli! And the parental abuse isn't limited to poop torture, there is also the emotional abuse of Things screaming at impossibly high octave ranges for no apparent reason at all. Finally, there is the trusty standby of sleep deprivation. My Things have perfected this abusive technique by employing it only sporadically and at unexpected times, often giving no warning that they will attack on any particular night. Unfortunately, the Alphas seem to be suffering from Stockholm syndrome and will defend and declare their unconditional love for their abusers despite the terribly abusive relationship.

Another overlooked form of abuse that must be stopped is doggy abuse. I have experienced this somewhat in my own home, but lucky I've only been exposed to the misdemeanor levels of doggy abuse. The Things have ridden me, pulled my beard and eyebrows, and occasionally squeezed me a little too hard. But Alpha Female recently forwarded me an email that contained this most disturbing picture of doggy abuse. I feel that posting it here is a public service to protect others of my kind from this same cruel fate.

How Considerate!

Alpha Female celebrated a birthday a few days ago. Thing 1 was so excited about it that she woke up just after midnight to come into Alpha Female's bedroom and wake her up to wish her happy birthday. I thought it was very thoughtful of Thing 1 but Alpha Female didn't seem to appreciate the nocturnal well wishing. In fact, she didn't even acknowledge Thing 1's presence; she just let Alpha Male take Thing 1 back to her bedroom. How ungrateful and rude!

And the excitement didn't stop on Alpha Female's birthday. The morning after Alpha Female's birthday, Alpha Female woke up around 5:00 a.m. and noticed there were a lot of lights on in the kitchen. She peeked her head out to see Thing 1 carrying a birthday cupcake over to the kitchen table with me close at her heels. Alpha Female decided that there was nothing wrong with a cupcake or two for breakfast as long as it meant she could go back to bed. About a half hour later, Alpha Male woke up and saw that all the lights on Thing 1's side of the house were on. Unfortunately, he actually left his room to investigate. He found us (me, Thing 1 and Thing 2) all awake and happy in Thing 2's room. Thing 1 was bringing cupcakes to Thing 2 in her crib and I was enjoying the messy eating habits of the Things. There was pink and blue icing on the floor, on Thing 2's sheets, on my back, EVERYWHERE. It was wonderful. I thought it was my birthday. I still think there is some blue icing on my back, I just wish I was flexible enough to clean it off. So much for the Alphas' bright idea that getting Thing 1 a big girl bed would help her stay in her room all night.

My First Human Brother

Five years ago today the Alphas became parents for the first time. Today and everyday they remember my human brother, celebrate his life, and are thankful for all of time they have with their kids.

Walking Meatball

The humans had a busy month. I was so overwhelmed with all of the blog topics that I could write about that I didn't write anything all month. Now I feel like a bad dog. So before the Alphas notice that I've been slacking in my blog duties, I'm going to try to catch up with all the exciting things that happened in February.

The Alphas started the month out with a bang by going to Gasparilla and taking the Things with them. Thing 1 got to play in her first street band with her cousin while she enlisted the help of a nice stranger next to her to collect beads and give them to her. (I've got to learn how she does stuff like that. It would be great if I could find somebody to collect cookies and then feed them to me!) Once he gave her the big pink beads, she gave all of the rest of her beads to her cousins and called it a day.

The family capped of that weekend by going to the state fair. Thing 1 got to ride her first carney ride and Thing 2 even got in on the action. Who'd have thought that going around in a circle on fire trucks would be so much fun? Thing 1 made sure to keep turning the steering wheel left so that the fire truck wouldn't jump off the track. I think she might become a Nascar driver one day with all that practice on left turns. The Things loved the carnival ride, but the Alphas did find it a little concerning that the carney worker just handed Thing 2 to the first person who asked for her when the ride was over. This was concerning because the person taking possession of Thing 2 wasn't Alpha Male or Alpha Female. The morale of the story is, never trust a carney.

Thing 1 also went in a fun house at the fair. I hear she enjoyed all of it except the part where she walked into a piece of plexiglass in the mirror maze. The morale of this story is always keep your hands in front of your nose when in a funhouse maze.

And what state fair experience would be complete without a visit to the animals? Thing 2 really liked petting the goats. Maybe she'll be a farmer when she grows up.

The humans also enjoyed Valentine's Day this year. The Alphas aren't big celebrators of the holiday (they say they show their love every day, isn't that disgusting?). So instead of getting a baby sitter or eating chocolate with each other, Alpha Female took Thing 1 to a wedding to celebrate Valentine's Day. And it was very special wedding, too. Cinderella got married! I would have thought that she would do it in her castle in Orlando, but instead she decided to get married in a little community center's multipurpose room. Thing 1 dressed up in her Cinderella dress and Cinderella slippers for the occasion and especially enjoyed the makeover and dance lessons she received after the wedding. Alpha Male, Thing 2, and I enjoyed staying home and napping.

Thing 1 and Thing 2 also enjoyed the long awaited opening of the new kids' area at the zoo. They hung out in the water for a long time. I think they will spend a lot of time there this summer. At the zoo, the Alphas learned that Thing 1 can count to four. (She was counting plastic turtles in the water.) She sounds really smart if you ask her to count to four. But don't ask her to count to five, because she'll blow her cover.

Finally, there is big news from Thing 2 this month. She is a walking machine! Along with her new found walking ability has come a new found eating ability. The Alphas have started calling her "Meatball." Not because she looks like a meatball, but because she loves to eat meatballs. She also loves to eat eggs, pizza, bananas, and just about anything else you put in front of her. I have taught her well, you can tell we're related!