My Second Post of the Day (Baby News!)

The Alphas went to check on the bulge today. They still don't know what is in it, but they did hear a heartbeat. (I think that rules out the possibility of worms.) Everything looks fine. They are going to find out what it is on August 21. That is their anniversary and should provide them with a great anniversary present! (Unless it's worms, that would be a bad anniversary present.)

Giving My Fans What They Want

I'd like to take this opportunity to address some of my fans' comments. First, about my groomer, I like her because she is nice to me. However, I have gotten some pretty bad haircuts from her in the past. These pictures are my two worst hair moments ever. While the shaggy-do had nothing to do with my groomer, the sheered sheep look was totally my groomer's fault. She confused me with some other (less intelligent) schnauzer who prefers a clean shave to the classic coif. Because of this mistake and because humans are supposed to go to a different kind of groomer than the one dogs go to (trust me, your hair will turn out better), I can't recommend my groomer for any of my human fans.

As to the whole seven years of a dog's life equals one year of a human's life issue, I think this is propaganda. Some human was just jealous that us dogs experience so much more in a single year than most humans do. I suggest just taking the time to enjoy your experiences. When you go for a walk, stop and smell the flowers, and the other dogs, and the trees, and the fire hydrants. This will make you feel as though you've lived the rich life that a dog gets to live. Now what is true about the myth is that dogs do in fact think seven times (at least) faster than humans. In fact, when my human sister drops food, I have to think about ten times faster than alpha female so that I can eat the food before she picks it up.

Finally, on to the caffeine issue. Are you trying to kill me? Caffeine can be fatal to dogs!

Party like it's 1999!

Yesterday was my birthday! I was afraid it would be like a scene from Sixteen Candles, but my family remembered! When Alpha Female got home from her visit to her groomer, I even got to open birthday presents. My birthday treat was fantastic. And as an added treat, I'm getting a haircut on Wednesday. I can't wait to have my bangs trimmed so that I can see again.

In other news, Alpha Female is done with school for the summer. Just ten more credits left until graduation! Alpha Female and Alpha Male plan to spend the rest of the summer playing with my human sister in the water. I'm not a big fan of the water so I'll probably spend some quiet time at home by myself blogging.

We've got a big week coming up. A trip to the doctor on Tuesday to check on the bulge in Alpha Female's belly. (I hope she doesn't have worms.) And, of course, my haircut on Wednesday.

Fur v. Furless

Alpha Male suggested, gently, that I should spend more time talking about my human sister. It is so obvious that she is his favorite. Anyways, here are some factoids about her that might come in handy if you ever find yourself involved in a game of Human Sister Trivia.

1. Do you know that she sleeps about 13 or 14 hours at night and another 1 to 2 hours during the day? That works out to being awake for 9 hours everyday! I could never get by on that little sleep. I need at least 20 hours a day or I'm a real grouch.

2. She thinks it's funny if one of her parents hides behind the couch and then screams, "Boo!" as she comes around the corner. She also thinks it's funny to put a blanket over her head and walk around the living room. (I think it's funny watching her run into stuff as she does this.) Apparently petting my back is pretty hysterical, too.


3. My human sister is mesmerized by JiggleMan. She went to see him at her local library today and didn't move or make any sound the whole time he was performing. Alpha Female thought she must have fallen asleep or something. My human sister told me that watching him perform was better than watching Sesame Street. I find that a little hard to believe, but I wasn't able to watch JiggleMan because of the flagrant discrimination against dogs that is openly practiced around here.

Product Placement

Before I get to the meat of today's blog, I'd like to take a moment to address my exceptional typing abilities. It is rather amazing that I can type so proficiently considering that I have only four toes on each of my rather small front paws. However, I find that they are the perfect size for touch typing with practically any hand held device. Currently, I am borrowing time on Alpha Female's Treo, but I'm saving up my allowance for an iPhone. Which brings me to the focus of this entry. Renumeration.

There has been some suggestion, perhaps even encouragement, that I should get a corporate sponsor involved with my site. Some may think, "why not?" I can get a little (very, very little) bit of money that I can put toward the purchase of my new iPhone and what is the harm with one little ad on my blog? This analysis brings to my mind a concept of tort law dealing with cost benefit analysis. The theory is that if the burden is less than the probability of harm multiplied by the loss involved and the burden is not undertaken, than there is negligence ([B < P x L] = N). The result is that the determination of negligence can by very closely tied to the severity of harm that could have been avoided by taking protective steps.

This is relevant to my issue of product placement. The burden is pretty clear, I would have to register with AdSense and post an ad on my blog. A relatively low burden task. However, this brings me to my loss. The potential loss involved with placing advertisement on my site is a complete breakdown of my journalistic integrity. Additionally, the probability of this loss actually resulting is very high. How could you believe that I really like Oatmeal shampoo if you had to wonder whether I was getting paid to say I liked Oatmeal shampoo? How could you believe that mandarin oranges make a delicious snack for my human sister if you had to wonder whether the mandarin orange council had a bug in my ear? This is why I cannot have product placement on my blog at this time. However, once this blog gets an international following and I can rake in some real dough by advertising, my analysis might change.

BTW, it was this kind of cost/benefit analysis that led a court to conclude that not screening a 20 something for glaucoma was negligent even though the standard of care at the time included screening only people over 40. Now I'd better get back to helping Alpha Female study for her exams.

Paper, Product, and Freaking Out Your People

I have pedigree papers. These are important documents that show I come from some good genes. I keep these papers with my other important documents, including my living will and my healthcare surrogate. If you don't have these papers, I encourage you get them. The Florida Bar makes these forms available on their website: living will and healthcare surrogate.

As to the question about my hygiene, I use a lovely oatmeal scented shampoo. Anything oatmeal scented will do. You see, Alpha Male likes it when I smell like an oatmeal cookie.

Finally, I've got a great way to freak out your people. This works best if you're usually very quiet. What you do is pick a random night when everybody is sleeping soundly. Then, about 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning, start barking like you really mean it. This is practically guaranteed to get at least Alpha Female out of bed. Then you can just go back to sleep while the people try to figure out what's wrong. It's really quite amusing and I recommend it.

Sending a Howl Out

I'd like to thank everybody who's taken the time to read my blog. It means a lot to me that you take time to care what one little dog has to say. I appreciate the response and love getting the comments. Well, just one comment. But I imagine I would love it if I got more.
I know that the key to a successful blog is frequent entries, so I plan on posting often. I mean, what else do I have to do all day? My family only feeds me twice a day and it only takes about 30 seconds to eat. That leaves me with a lot of time on my hands.
Not much family news to report right now. I did get a bath last night, though. How is it that they find time to bathe my human sister and themselves everyday but I only get a bath once every week or two? It's tough being the dog.

Changes are afoot

My family has started using the 'B' word (baby) a lot, again. They've also been talking a lot about the date January 7, 2008. I think that something big might be happening that day that involves another baby in this house. Oh well, it just means more Cheerios for me.

About My Blog

In my free time I have been learning how to use a computer and observing the unusual activities of my human family. I have decided it is time to put my skills to use and keep you, the outside world, up-to-date on what is going on with my humans.