The Real Scoop

If you ask Alpha Female, she'll tell you that everything is under control around here. If you believe her, the Alphas have had no problems adjusting to the addition of another Thing to the family and they could easily have taken on triplets. If you ask Alpha Male, he'll say that he no longer has free time, but he's got plenty of time to take care of the Things. But, if you ask me, I'll tell you the truth. I'll tell you what has really been going on in this house during the last month.


Thing 1 used to be lovingly dressed every morning in cute little outfits. Now she is allowed to dress herself. I checked the temperature and it was 50 degrees outside when she decided that a bathing suit would make a good outfit for the day. I guess the cold weather is why she added the mittens.


Despite the Alphas' protestations that Thing 1 is gracefully accepting the addition of Thing 2, there have been a couple of issues. Thing 1 will usually give Thing 2's pacifier to either Alpha when they ask for it. The problem is that Thing 1 only has the pacifier because she has snatched it out of Thing 2's mouth. Thing 1 also likes to take blankets off of Thing 2's lap. The blankets aren't given back so readily. And, when Alpha Female was trying to swaddle Thing 2, Thing 1 insisted on first being swaddled herself. However, I don't think the blanket was big enough for her.


I think this might be the most incriminating picture and it requires very little explanation. The pink plastic "bowl" that Thing 1 is snacking out of is really a doll's potty chair. Gross! What if all of the imaginary poo wasn't cleaned out of it?!

The Importance of Big Sisters

Thing 1 is such a good big sister! Who else would care enough to dip her finger in Thing 2's spit up and then taste it? And Thing 1 cares so much that she did this not just once, but twice. Alpha Female was grossed out, but I am surprised that people don't do this more often. I love the taste of baby spit up and only wish that Thing 2 spit up more often so that I could help clean up.

Happy Birthday Alpha Male

I know this is an old picture of me, but I did wear the hat. Can I please have some birthday cake now, old man?

More of My Favorite Things

Once again I would like to use my influential position to promote some products and activities that I find are exceptionally well liked by different members of my family. Over the last couple of weeks, I have found three things that I think everybody in the world should be able to enjoy as much as my family does.

First, shopping carts that look like cars. Have you ever gone to the grocery store and had to ride in just a regular looking shopping cart? It is so much better if you can ride around the store in the cart that looks like a car and has a steering wheel. In fact, Thing 1 thinks it is so much better to be in the car cart that when Alpha Female tried to put her in a regular cart, she screamed, "No!" and generally caused a scene in the grocery store parking lot. Alpha Female had no idea what had gotten into the normally darling Thing 1 until they spotted one of these ultra special grocery carts and Thing 1 was able to point and sign please. Alpha Female finally figured out the request and, after both Things were transferred into the super duper car cart, order was restored and Thing 1 enjoyed her trip to the grocery store. She sure does have strong opinions sometimes.

The second invention nobody should have to live without is the hot pocket. I am not speaking of the frozen, microwaveable meal called a hot pocket, but rather of a cloth contraption into which you can stuff a baby to keep it warm and swaddled. When Thing 2 is strapped into her hot pocket, she will sleep for hours. The Alphas don't know how people raised children before the invention of modern baby and toddler apparatuses like the hot pocket, battery operated swing, vibrating chair, and carseat.

Finally, one of the greatest commonly accepted human behavior modifications which everybody should adopt is pee'ing in the potty. Thing 1 did this for the first time yesterday! Of course, this came a day after poo'ing in the shower, which isn't such a great skill to learn. While we all still expect that complete potty training won't happen for some time yet, it is exciting to see that it will actually happen one day.

Name Changes and Milestones

The time has come for me to give Precious Fluffy a new blog name. I just no longer feel right referring to one sister as my human sister and referring to the other sister by a dog's name. As an homage to one of my favorite authors, I have decided to call the older sister Thing 1 and the newer sister Thing 2. The reason that I don't call them by the names the Alphas gave them is to maintain their anonymity. I mean, what would happen if Alpha Female started interviewing for a job and a potential employer decided to google her and the google search turned up this site because I used my family members' real names? I think the employer would decide not to hire Alpha Female, but to hire me instead because I'm so smart and funny. That would just make Alpha Female angry and lead to less treats for me. That's why I use blog names instead of real names. (For me, it always comes down to food.)

There's been a lot going on in my house since my last post. It's just that I'm so busy and sleepy now that I haven't found the time to blog. I get up with Alpha Female and Thing 2 twice a night to make sure that nothing happens to them while Thing 2 eats. The whole house takes an afternoon nap, so that helps me catch up on my sleep, but there's just no substitute for the twelve to fourteen hours of uninterrupted sleep to which I am accustomed.

Thing 2 lost her umbilical stump, which was cause for great celebration around here. The shriveled stump on the belly look is just kind of gross. She also had a weigh in yesterday and had gained an ounce a day over the last 8 days. What a beefcake! I hope that Alpha Female is losing weight just as quickly.

The most exciting thing to have happened around here in the last week is that Thing 1 is starting to show some early signs of being ready for potty training. She is starting to ask to have her diaper changed and showing an interest in sitting on the potty! This is big news for the Alphas. I don't know what has taken her so long. I was completely potty trained in less than two months; she's twenty months old and still hasn't even started the process. Why is it that humans think they are so superior to dogs?

Adaptations

The big question around here seems to be about how my human sister is adjusting to the arrival of my new human sister. Surprisingly, she seems to be handling the change rather well. There were some tears and yelling the first couple of days, but now the older one seems to be alternating between ignoring the younger one and trying to touch and kiss her. The younger one seems to be alternating between sleeping and eating. It all seems very manageable now, but we'll see how it goes when Alpha Male goes back to work and Alpha Female has to switch from man on man coverage to zone coverage. Speaking of football, my human sister reached a significant milestone today. Alpha Female was reading her a story about Albert at the University of Florida. Albert was at a football game and somebody in the story said, "Touchdown, Albert!" Upon hearing this, my human sister signaled for a touchdown! Alpha Female was so proud.

Play by Play

I wasn’t sure how many details about the whole labor and delivery process I could share yesterday so I talked it over with the Alphas last night. The Alphas gave me permission to share my observations and add my own editorial comments; they respect my journalistic integrity. This is my recollection of the events as they unfolded or were later related to me.

2:00 a.m. – I was rudely awoken when Alpha Female came out to the living room and I got kicked off of the couch so that she could lay down and read while she waited for her contractions to go away. At this point, I was just annoyed because she had been waking me up like this quite frequently and the contractions always went away in about an hour or so.

3:00 a.m. – I was able to get back on the couch and go to sleep again because Alpha Female had moved to the computer, hoping that sitting up would make her contractions go away.

3:30 a.m. – Again, I was awoken, this time by the Alphas talking to each other in the bedroom. Alpha Female still thought the contractions might go away. Alpha Male started to sound a little concerned.

4:30 a.m. – The Alphas decided that they should call my human grandparents to come watch my human sister, but they figured that they would let them sleep until 5:00 a.m. before calling.

4:40 a.m. – The Alphas decided not to wait any longer before calling, but Alpha Female still thought it might be a false alarm. Surely, calling her parents at 4:40 in the morning would be enough to make the contractions stop.

5:30 a.m. – Alpha Female decided not to listen to Alpha Male and thought it would be a good idea to take a shower. While she was standing up to brush her teeth, she started to have contractions closer together. She decided to go lay down again until my human grandparents got there. She also sent a rather abrupt text message to her loving parents, whom she had just awoken in the middle of the night, and demanded to know what time they would be there. About now, she started to think that the contractions weren’t going to stop and declared that she was ready for an epidural.

6:40 a.m. – My human grandparents made it to our house in record time, much to Alpha Male’s relief, because Alpha Female was having contractions closer together and was looking pretty uncomfortable. As soon as the grandparents were in the door, the Alphas were out the door. On the drive to the hospital, Alpha Male cut through a parking lot to avoid a red light. Alpha Female thought he was being a bit overdramatic, but I imagine Alpha Male would be quick to point out that the female’s job would be the same whether the baby was born in the car or in the hospital. However, if they didn’t make it to the hospital, Alpha Male’s job responsibilities would increase tremendously as he would have to play both coach and catcher.

7:10 a.m. – Alpha Female saw her doctor and started to get prepped for an epidural. She was 5 cm dilated. She was offered some pain relief to hold her over while she waited to get the epidural, which she was told would happen in about 30 minutes. (It took more than 30 minutes.)

7:12 a.m. – “Pain relief” was administered. Alpha Female felt like the room was spinning but the contractions still hurt.

7:14 a.m. – The nurse asked if the pain was any better. Alpha Female didn’t really have to think about the answer to this question, the alleged pain reliever didn’t stop the pain. She is considering a class action law suit.

7:16 a.m. – Alpha Female started to foam at the mouth and say bad words that I’ve never heard her use before. It dawned on her that the drug she was given wasn’t really a pain reliever; it was just some drug that made the room spin and made her say bad words. Why would anybody invent and market a curse word drug?

7:18 a.m. – Alpha Male made a pretty bad mistake here. He laughed a little bit at Alpha Female’s bad language. Apparently she didn’t appreciate this. Do I really need to say anymore?

8:10 a.m. – Alpha Female is ready to get an epidural, the anesthesiologist comes in the room. Alpha Female feels like she is fully dilated but doesn’t say anything because she really doesn’t want to be denied the epidural.

8:11 a.m. – Alpha Female hopes this is the last contraction she’ll have to feel.

8:12 a.m. – Alpha Female hopes this is the last contraction she’ll have to feel.

8:13 a.m. – Alpha Female hopes this is the last contraction she’ll have to feel.

8:14 a.m. – Alpha Female hopes this is the last contraction she’ll have to feel.

8:15 a.m. – Alpha Female hopes this is the last contraction she’ll have to feel.

8:16 a.m. – Alpha Female hopes this is the last contraction she’ll have to feel.

8:17 a.m. – Alpha Female hopes this is the last contraction she’ll have to feel.

8:19 a.m. – Alpha Female hopes this is the last contraction she’ll have to feel.

8:20 a.m. – Alpha Female decides this is the world’s slowest anesthesiologist. Where did he go to medical school and why doesn’t he realize that he should be moving more quickly?

8:30 a.m. – Finally, the anesthesiologist administers a spinal block.

8:31 a.m. – Alpha Female admits that she feels a little bit of pressure (that is, she thinks she’s ready to push the baby out).

8:40 a.m. – The doctor confirms that Alpha Female is fully dilated but leaves to give Alpha Female some time to relax and enjoy the relatively pain free labor.

8:45 a.m. – Alpha Female realizes that the only reason this baby isn’t being pushed out right now is because people think she wants to take a break. She feels angry. She would really like to get this baby out now! I mean, come on now, the spinal block isn’t taking all of the pain away.

8:47 a.m. – Alpha Female’s water breaks and she’s afraid the baby might fall out.

8:50 a.m. – She gets the go ahead to push.

8:52 a.m. – Alpha Female shushes the nurse who is counting to 10 with each contraction. (I think she may have simultaneously slapped this nurse on the hand.)

8:57 a.m. – Nadine Eleanor is born weighing 7 lbs. 10 oz. and 20 ½“ long. Nobody seems mad at Alpha Female for her behavior and everybody is happy to meet my new human sister.

More Precious Fluffy pictures

Pictures of Precious Fluffy

The stethoscope that my human sister got for Christmas sure did come in handy. I just put it around my neck and was able to easily slip into the hospital. Between my distinguished beard and fancy stethoscope, nobody even noticed that I was a dog. I am sure there will be a lot more pictures to come, but enjoy these for now.

She's Here!!!!

Nadine Eleanor was born just before 9:00 this morning. She weighs 7 lbs 9 oz and is adorable. Pictures will come soon, I just have to dress up as a doctor so that I can get into the hospital for a photo shoot.