Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Have you ever wondered how the world views you? I think of myself as short, dark, and adorable. But is that how everybody else sees me? I've discovered that the only way to really find out is to have kids and then wait until they are old enough to start imitating you. It may sound like a lot of trouble to go through just to find out if you're really as likable as you think you are, but it is foolproof. Thing 1 is now old enough to let everybody in the house know exactly what she thinks of them. It's not always pretty and she can sometime be pretty direct. The other day, Alpha Female was leaving the house and Thing 1 asked her where she was going. Alpha Female was going to get her haircut and replied, "I'm going to get beautiful." When she returned home, Thing 1 caught one glimpse of her and quickly exclaimed, "You're not beautiful!" I don't think Alpha Female has gotten over that one yet.

But I digress. Sometimes the Things can be much more subtle and show the Alphas what they think of them merely by reflecting the Alphas' images back at them. For instance, Alpha Female had no idea that she always called the Things "honey" until Thing 1 started asking Alpha Female to role play with her. There are a couple of variations to this game, Thing 1 can be the teacher and Alpha Female can a friend in her class, Thing 1 can be the baby unicorn and Alpha Female can be the mommy unicorn, or Thing 1 can be the mommy and Alpha Female can be the honey. And it almost made up for being told she wasn't beautiful when Thing 1 offered to cover Alpha Female's eyes for her during a scary part of a movie. Naturally, the reflections aren't always too positive. One night, Thing 1 gave Alpha Male two choices, to be either a good prince or a bad prince. When Alpha Male replied that he didn't want to be a prince, Thing 1 pulled out her spot on Alpha Female impression and told him, "That is not an option!" And, my favorite, while Thing 2 was riding her bike last weekend, she pulled out her cell phone and started texting.

I've also noticed that whenever they are eating and see me coming, the hold their food up high and scream, "no, Gauss, no!" I'm not sure what I've done to give them the impression that I would want to eat their food. Oh, wait, I remember now. I eat their food whenever it is unattended for more than 2 seconds. I love hot dogs!

My First Human Brother

Today and everyday we hold Aiden in our hearts. The Alphas are so grateful for every moment they had with him and for every moment they spend with the Things and Horton.

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

On December 25, 2009, Thing 2 moved from a crib into a toddler bed and received the great power of being able to freely get in and out of her bed. Along with that power came the great responsibility to not abuse the trust the Alphas placed in her by taking away the bars that confined her in the middle of the night. Silly Alphas! What were they thinking trusting a not-quite-two-year-old to not get out of bed and wander around the house in the wee hours?

The first couple of nights weren't too bad. Thing 2 did not initiate any late night excursions of her own, but she happily followed Thing 1 during her midnight journeys. I refer to this as Thing 2's training period. She was learning the ropes from her big sister. Unfortunately, Thing 2 is a fast learner, so after a couple of days Thing 2 was striking out on her own.

I was sleeping on the sofa one night and heard her tip-toe out of her room and into the living room. She really was pretty quiet, but the rustle of her pull-up gave her away. The rustle of diapers and pull-ups sure do make it hard to operate in stealth mode. Anyway, she came into the living room like a pro, but then she showed her novice status by just stopping and standing in the middle of the living room. The more experienced Thing 1 would have continued on into the Alphas' bedroom, walked up to Alpha Female and demanded something. Probably water or a spot in the Alphas' bed.

Despite Thing 2's restraint, Alpha Female woke up when she heard the rustle of the pull-up. She anxiously awaited the arrival of Thing 2 by her bedside, but she never appeared. So Alpha Female had to get out of her warm bed and take Thing 2 on a quick potty visit before returning her to bed. This happened a couple of nights in a row.

Then Thing 2 learned to walk all the way into the Alphas' room and climb into their larger and more comfortable bed. After a couple of sleepless nights filled with screaming, the Alphas had re-trained her to stay in her bed all night. Now they felt ready to move on to getting Thing 1 to sleep through the night without pull-ups. I must say, Thing 1 is highly motivated by the promise of jewelry so the Alphas promised her LOTS of jewelry if she could sleep all night without having an accident in her bed. This has mostly worked out well but on the nights when she has relapses nobody sleeps.

This is how it goes down. Thing 1 screams and comes into the Alphas' room declaring, "I had an accident." Thing 2 is trailing close behind her. Alpha Female pulls the wet sheets of the bed while Thing 1 changes herself into dry clothes and happily climbs back into bed. The problem is that Thing 2 is now wide awake and screams like a crazy woman when Alpha Female tries to leave the room. In desperation, Alpha Female has taken to bringing Thing 2 back to the big bed with her. There Thing 2 curls up with her head, arm, foot, or all three in an Alpha's face and falls fast asleep Well, fast asleep except for when she wakes up and puts her hands all over an Alphas' face just to make sure they are still there.

Recently, I had a little talk with Thing 2. Now she comes into the Alphas' room and curls up on the foot of their bed and falls fast asleep. I'm not sure the Alphas even notice she is there. Hopefully we will all start sleeping again sometime soon.

Happy Birthday Thing 2

Thing 2 is two! One the one hand, I can't believe she is already two because it seems like just yesterday that Alpha Female was lumbering around wondering whether she would get an additional 2007 tax deduction or welcome the first baby of 2008. On the other hand, I can hardly believe that she is only two because I can't remember what it was like around here without her. I imagine it was quieter and cleaner.

Do I Live in a Zoo?

Everybody was having a lovely day until around 4:30 this afternoon. That's when the Alphas decided that everybody under 4 feet tall could take a bath together. This is nothing new, the Things and Horton usually bathe together; Horton splashes all of the water out of the tub while the Things play with their toys. Today, Horton got out of the tub early and was hanging out with me and Alpha Female in his Hugh Hefner robe while the girls continued playing supervised by Alpha Male. Suddenly, we all heard a shrieking sound coming from the bathroom. Alpha Female and I rushed in to see what was the matter. We discovered Alpha Male prying Thing 2's teeth off of Thing 1's finger. We have a biter!

Alpha Female took Thing 2 to time out while Alpha Male checked Thing 1 to make sure she hadn't contracted rabies. Thing 2 then spent the next 20 minutes in time out. She could have gotten out about 19 minutes sooner, but she refused to say, "I'm sorry." After she finally gave her sister a hug and apologized for her animal behavior (even I've never bitten anybody on purpose), she spent the rest of the evening running around the house naked. And I mean completely naked. Just as naked as I am right now. She watched TV naked, she played naked, and she ate dinner naked. It's barbaric, really.

If I ever write a book about child rearing, I will target it to the parents of 18 - 36 month old kids and I'll title it "Domesticating Your Child." I hope the Alphas read it, I've got a couple of pointers for them.

Happy New Year

A year ago, Thing 1 was just starting to be potty trained, Thing 2 couldn't walk, Horton wasn't born, and I blogged regularly. Now, Thing 1 can write her name, Thing 2 is potty trained, Horton can crawl, and I'm happy if I blog once a month. I'm not sure what this year has in store for us, but I hope it involves more food and more sleep.


Christmas was fun around here. My best friend is a cat I've never met and she sent me a Christmas present which I ate while the humans were opening their presents. So I'm not really sure what each of them got, as my attention was focused on eating. But I do know that we have a lot more stuff in the house now. Thing 1 is sleeping in a beautiful princess bed, Thing 2 is out of her crib and in another beautiful princess bed, and the pretty pink flower curtains in Horton's room have finally been replaced with manly blue animal curtains. The Alphas are all proud of themselves because Horton has a boy room now. I don't remind them that he is nearly 7 months old and most babies have gender appropriate rooms waiting for them upon their arrival.


Looking at this picture, it appears that his new manly room has inspired him to become a trucker.

I'm Still Here

Alpha Male asked me today if I had stopped blogging. It was kind of a weird question to get from him. He usually asks me things like, "Are you hungry?" or "Do you need to go out?" You know, questions I can answer by jumping around and running to a particular place in the house. I'm not sure why he asked if I had stopped blogging, it's not like I can talk or even shake my head. Sometimes he's just weird I guess. But the answer is no, I haven't stopped, just slowed down a little. What do you expect from a seventy year old living with three kids under four?


Of course, there is lots to share from my family. Maybe too much, I don't know where to start. I'll try to catch you up by sharing my very own list of things I've heard in my house during the last month.


10. "Thing 1, don't eat your boogers."

9. "Thing 2, don't eat your boogers."

8. "Girls, don't sit on your brother."

7. "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" This is usually said by one of the Things, but I've also heard it come from Alphas coupled with a huge mess and a hint of despair in their voices.

6. I'm not sure how to spell this one, but in my house it is spoken very loudly and in an unthinkably high pitch, "AAEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII." I am pretty sure it translates to "NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" and I'm pretty sure Thing 2 is the only one capable of producing this sound.

5. "You don't need to feed Gauss, he already ate." I hate it when I hear this.

4. "It looks like a tornado came through this place!" If I had a dollar for every time I heard this...

3. "Thing 2 is waking me up." Thing 1 says this after she has been screaming and protesting bed for several minutes and then Thing 2 rustles her sheets as she turns over in her crib. Oh, if the Things only understood irony.

2. Alpha Male: "Who spilled all this water all over the bathroom floor?"
Alpha Female: "Uh, water's not yellow."

1. Alpha Female: "Wow! Horton really is going to be crawling before Christmas."
Alpha Male: "He's a beefcake."