Keep Your Head Down

I haven't been hearing a lot about baby Bubbles at all during this pregnancy. I think the novelty of being pregnant has kind of worn off for Alpha Female. I guess when it comes to a pregnancy, no news is good news. If it wasn't for Alpha Female's ridiculously enormous girth I may have forgotten that she was going to have another baby, but recently she has actually been buying baby stuff. We now have newborn diapers and some formula in the house. I think we're ready to bring a new baby home. And the Alphas found out that Bubbles is head down so he must be starting to think about meeting us, too. I'm looking forward to meeting him. There's nothing like newborn spit up, yummy!

Wardrobe Changes

Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't Cher been known to wear about 50 different outfits during a single concert? I think that Thing 1 might be a little Cher in the making. In the world of two year old humans, I don't think it is that unusual that Thing 1 wears at least one normal outfit and one princess outfit during the day, then after her bath she puts on pajamas, but must change into a princess dress before she actually goes to bed. However, she brought it to a whole new level this morning when she woke Alpha Female up and demanded helping changing from her princess dress back into pajamas at 5:30 a.m. From the growls coming out of Alpha Female, I don't think she is a big fan of Thing 1's fashion decisions.

In the Dog House

I am not a bad dog. I am an opportunist. When Thing 1 went out in the backyard alone while eating a piece of bread I saw an opportunity. I followed her around the side of the house where nobody could see us and I used my powers of persuasion to convince her to give me the bread. That's what really happened. Unfortunately, she decided to give the Alphas a different version of events. While we were still on the other side of the house, she started to cry. When Alpha Female came running, Thing 1 held up her hand and said, "Gauss, bit me." Of course, the Alphas believed her. Despite the complete absence of blood or, indeed a mark of any kind, I got dirty looks and had to listen to them tell me what a bad dog I am just because Thing 1 put her bread where I could reach it. And then to top off the humiliation, Thing 1 pointed her finger at me and sternly said, "We do not bite our friends." That made the Alphas laugh, but it made me wonder if it was OK to bite people who are not our friends...

Did Somebody Say Disney?

The Alphas took Thing 1 to Disney World last weekend. That's right. The didn't take me and they didn't take Thing 2. The only one they brought to the happiest place on earth was Thing 1. The problem was that she didn't think it was the happiest place on earth. She thought it was the scariest place on earth. When Alpha Female went to Disney as a kid she thought there were only two scary rides, Space Mountain and Thunder Mountain; and Thunder Mountain wasn't really that scary. But it turns out she was wrong. Most of the rides are very scary, just ask Thing 1.

They started out on Snow White, Thing 1 had been looking forward to seeing Snow White, but as soon as she saw the evil witch stirring her cauldron she decided she would like to get off the ride NOW! And just in case you're wondering, the whole ride is scary. The brightly lit scene with Snow White traipsing through the woods while the dwarfs whistle and the birds sing never happens. After traumatizing her with Snow White, the Alphas thought that Small World would surely go over better. But they learned that when you're two and you've been one one scary ride, all rides seem scary. Even happy Small World. She was really glad to get off of that one. After the Tiki gods scared her in the Tiki room and Pooh's LSD dream freaked her out on the Pooh ride, the Alphas finally wised up and took her to the Country Bear Jamboree. At least she thought the Bears were funny. And she didn't think that getting chased by wild hippos was scary either. I think it's weird that she thought children dancing and singing were scarier than giant bears and wild hippos.

Doggy Abuse

We all hear a lot about child abuse and we are starting to hear more about elder abuse. I feel like it is unnecessary for me to add more to the conversation about how terrible these things are. What I would like to do instead is spend some time focusing on areas of abuse that are less discussed, for instance parental abuse. That's right, when children abuse their own parents. This is not a topic that is discussed very often, in fact some people without children may deny that it even exists. But let me assure you that it does. And I suspect that it happens in every home with young children. Time will only tell if it continues as the children age. I feel no shame in admitting that I have witnessed parental abuse in my own home. And I'm not talking about mild parental abuse either. This is more than occasionally kicking Alpha Female in the stomach during a tantrum or biting Alpha Male when overcome with emotion. The parental abuse I've witnessed should be felony parental abuse. More times than I care to mention I've seen one of the Things covered in their own poop and smearing their poop on toys, walls, and sheets then forcing the Alphas to clean it up. I've also seen my own precious Things poop in the bathtub and force the Alphas to clean that up. Come on, how are you supposed to get a dozen pieces of poop that are just barely too big to go down the drain out of the bathtub? And how can you possible disinfect the Things that were in the bathtub when the contamination started? They were supposed to be in there to get clean, not to get covered in E. Coli! And the parental abuse isn't limited to poop torture, there is also the emotional abuse of Things screaming at impossibly high octave ranges for no apparent reason at all. Finally, there is the trusty standby of sleep deprivation. My Things have perfected this abusive technique by employing it only sporadically and at unexpected times, often giving no warning that they will attack on any particular night. Unfortunately, the Alphas seem to be suffering from Stockholm syndrome and will defend and declare their unconditional love for their abusers despite the terribly abusive relationship.

Another overlooked form of abuse that must be stopped is doggy abuse. I have experienced this somewhat in my own home, but lucky I've only been exposed to the misdemeanor levels of doggy abuse. The Things have ridden me, pulled my beard and eyebrows, and occasionally squeezed me a little too hard. But Alpha Female recently forwarded me an email that contained this most disturbing picture of doggy abuse. I feel that posting it here is a public service to protect others of my kind from this same cruel fate.

How Considerate!

Alpha Female celebrated a birthday a few days ago. Thing 1 was so excited about it that she woke up just after midnight to come into Alpha Female's bedroom and wake her up to wish her happy birthday. I thought it was very thoughtful of Thing 1 but Alpha Female didn't seem to appreciate the nocturnal well wishing. In fact, she didn't even acknowledge Thing 1's presence; she just let Alpha Male take Thing 1 back to her bedroom. How ungrateful and rude!

And the excitement didn't stop on Alpha Female's birthday. The morning after Alpha Female's birthday, Alpha Female woke up around 5:00 a.m. and noticed there were a lot of lights on in the kitchen. She peeked her head out to see Thing 1 carrying a birthday cupcake over to the kitchen table with me close at her heels. Alpha Female decided that there was nothing wrong with a cupcake or two for breakfast as long as it meant she could go back to bed. About a half hour later, Alpha Male woke up and saw that all the lights on Thing 1's side of the house were on. Unfortunately, he actually left his room to investigate. He found us (me, Thing 1 and Thing 2) all awake and happy in Thing 2's room. Thing 1 was bringing cupcakes to Thing 2 in her crib and I was enjoying the messy eating habits of the Things. There was pink and blue icing on the floor, on Thing 2's sheets, on my back, EVERYWHERE. It was wonderful. I thought it was my birthday. I still think there is some blue icing on my back, I just wish I was flexible enough to clean it off. So much for the Alphas' bright idea that getting Thing 1 a big girl bed would help her stay in her room all night.

My First Human Brother

Five years ago today the Alphas became parents for the first time. Today and everyday they remember my human brother, celebrate his life, and are thankful for all of time they have with their kids.