Play by Play

I wasn’t sure how many details about the whole labor and delivery process I could share yesterday so I talked it over with the Alphas last night. The Alphas gave me permission to share my observations and add my own editorial comments; they respect my journalistic integrity. This is my recollection of the events as they unfolded or were later related to me.

2:00 a.m. – I was rudely awoken when Alpha Female came out to the living room and I got kicked off of the couch so that she could lay down and read while she waited for her contractions to go away. At this point, I was just annoyed because she had been waking me up like this quite frequently and the contractions always went away in about an hour or so.

3:00 a.m. – I was able to get back on the couch and go to sleep again because Alpha Female had moved to the computer, hoping that sitting up would make her contractions go away.

3:30 a.m. – Again, I was awoken, this time by the Alphas talking to each other in the bedroom. Alpha Female still thought the contractions might go away. Alpha Male started to sound a little concerned.

4:30 a.m. – The Alphas decided that they should call my human grandparents to come watch my human sister, but they figured that they would let them sleep until 5:00 a.m. before calling.

4:40 a.m. – The Alphas decided not to wait any longer before calling, but Alpha Female still thought it might be a false alarm. Surely, calling her parents at 4:40 in the morning would be enough to make the contractions stop.

5:30 a.m. – Alpha Female decided not to listen to Alpha Male and thought it would be a good idea to take a shower. While she was standing up to brush her teeth, she started to have contractions closer together. She decided to go lay down again until my human grandparents got there. She also sent a rather abrupt text message to her loving parents, whom she had just awoken in the middle of the night, and demanded to know what time they would be there. About now, she started to think that the contractions weren’t going to stop and declared that she was ready for an epidural.

6:40 a.m. – My human grandparents made it to our house in record time, much to Alpha Male’s relief, because Alpha Female was having contractions closer together and was looking pretty uncomfortable. As soon as the grandparents were in the door, the Alphas were out the door. On the drive to the hospital, Alpha Male cut through a parking lot to avoid a red light. Alpha Female thought he was being a bit overdramatic, but I imagine Alpha Male would be quick to point out that the female’s job would be the same whether the baby was born in the car or in the hospital. However, if they didn’t make it to the hospital, Alpha Male’s job responsibilities would increase tremendously as he would have to play both coach and catcher.

7:10 a.m. – Alpha Female saw her doctor and started to get prepped for an epidural. She was 5 cm dilated. She was offered some pain relief to hold her over while she waited to get the epidural, which she was told would happen in about 30 minutes. (It took more than 30 minutes.)

7:12 a.m. – “Pain relief” was administered. Alpha Female felt like the room was spinning but the contractions still hurt.

7:14 a.m. – The nurse asked if the pain was any better. Alpha Female didn’t really have to think about the answer to this question, the alleged pain reliever didn’t stop the pain. She is considering a class action law suit.

7:16 a.m. – Alpha Female started to foam at the mouth and say bad words that I’ve never heard her use before. It dawned on her that the drug she was given wasn’t really a pain reliever; it was just some drug that made the room spin and made her say bad words. Why would anybody invent and market a curse word drug?

7:18 a.m. – Alpha Male made a pretty bad mistake here. He laughed a little bit at Alpha Female’s bad language. Apparently she didn’t appreciate this. Do I really need to say anymore?

8:10 a.m. – Alpha Female is ready to get an epidural, the anesthesiologist comes in the room. Alpha Female feels like she is fully dilated but doesn’t say anything because she really doesn’t want to be denied the epidural.

8:11 a.m. – Alpha Female hopes this is the last contraction she’ll have to feel.

8:12 a.m. – Alpha Female hopes this is the last contraction she’ll have to feel.

8:13 a.m. – Alpha Female hopes this is the last contraction she’ll have to feel.

8:14 a.m. – Alpha Female hopes this is the last contraction she’ll have to feel.

8:15 a.m. – Alpha Female hopes this is the last contraction she’ll have to feel.

8:16 a.m. – Alpha Female hopes this is the last contraction she’ll have to feel.

8:17 a.m. – Alpha Female hopes this is the last contraction she’ll have to feel.

8:19 a.m. – Alpha Female hopes this is the last contraction she’ll have to feel.

8:20 a.m. – Alpha Female decides this is the world’s slowest anesthesiologist. Where did he go to medical school and why doesn’t he realize that he should be moving more quickly?

8:30 a.m. – Finally, the anesthesiologist administers a spinal block.

8:31 a.m. – Alpha Female admits that she feels a little bit of pressure (that is, she thinks she’s ready to push the baby out).

8:40 a.m. – The doctor confirms that Alpha Female is fully dilated but leaves to give Alpha Female some time to relax and enjoy the relatively pain free labor.

8:45 a.m. – Alpha Female realizes that the only reason this baby isn’t being pushed out right now is because people think she wants to take a break. She feels angry. She would really like to get this baby out now! I mean, come on now, the spinal block isn’t taking all of the pain away.

8:47 a.m. – Alpha Female’s water breaks and she’s afraid the baby might fall out.

8:50 a.m. – She gets the go ahead to push.

8:52 a.m. – Alpha Female shushes the nurse who is counting to 10 with each contraction. (I think she may have simultaneously slapped this nurse on the hand.)

8:57 a.m. – Nadine Eleanor is born weighing 7 lbs. 10 oz. and 20 ½“ long. Nobody seems mad at Alpha Female for her behavior and everybody is happy to meet my new human sister.