Doggie Bill of Rights

One of my many areas of expertise is the law. I am particularly interested in achieving equal rights for dogs. In fact, I am such an expert in this field that if you google "equal rights for dogs" I am the number one hit. Impressive, don't you think? Because of my preeminence in the field, I would like to put forth a Doggie Bill of Rights. So far I can only think of two items to add to this document, but they are very important. They are:

1. Dogs are equal to humans in every way, but far, far superior to cats.
2. If it falls on the floor, the dog can eat it.

I anticipate no problems getting item 1 passed. It is simply a statement of truth. However, I fear I may face challenges getting item 2 passed. Not the least of which may come from my own family. For years, I have been taught that if food fell on the floor it was my right, duty even, to eat it. And I was always happy to eat the floor food (except for pickles, I don't care for pickles). Even Thing 1 abided by this maxim until recently. Last week she began fighting back and trying to claim floor food as her own. While I was happily eating raisins she had dropped, she said, "no, no, no" while pulling on my ears. I was understandably confused at first, after all, I was just doing my job, but then I realized that she thought she could pick the raisins up and continue eating them even though they had been on the floor. Even more alarming, the Alphas haven't provided any guidance in this struggle. They have taken the stance that whoever gets to the floor food first may eat it. This uncertainty is unacceptable. I am calling upon the Alphas to declare that years of doggie law must be upheld and food on the floor must be declared the exclusive property of dogs. Teach Thing 1 good manners and help out this starving dog by declaring floor food off limits to humans.

In the spirit of fairness, I have provided Thing 1 with this space for a rebuttal. She initially read her proclamation, as pictured, and then transcribed her thoughts below. Incidentally, I appreciate that she takes this issue just as seriously as I do and go dressed up for her speech.

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