Dog Days of Summer

Aren't dogs entitled to summer vacations? Don't let this get out, but I have a cat friend, and yesterday she mentioned that I hadn't been blogging very much. Then today my human grandmom said the same thing. Alpha Female then laid in to me about being lazy and to top it all off Alpha Male just asked me out of the blue if I had stopped blogging. I guess I'm glad that people have noticed that I've been on vacation, but, jeez, can't a dog get a little break? Every now and then I have to recharge my creative juices. And, just maybe, nothing worth mentioning has been happening in my house. Well, that's not likely, but it could happen.

To make up for my absence, let me catch you up on what's been going on here. Thing 1 has taken the keys off of Alpha Female's laptop...again. Alpha Female has replaced the keys on her laptop and she still doesn't always remember to close her laptop when she's done with it. One day last week, Alpha Female walked into her bedroom to find Thing 1 sitting on the chair in front of the laptop with a pen in her right hand and various pieces of paper scattered about the desk. Alpha Female watched her scribble on one piece of paper and then move to the next and scribble on that piece of paper, then Thing 1 typed a few words and went back to her random scribbling. That night, Alpha Female said to Alpha Male, "Don't you think it's funny that she thinks that is what I do all day, just make random scribbles?" Well, I for one, don't think it's funny, I think it is actually what Alpha Female does all day. Have you ever read a patent application or any other legal document? Anyways, I saved the note that Thing 1 typed and have included it in its entirety:

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ/ ?


cx

xc vbvgbbb,,.,,,, b

I couldn't agree with her more. By the way, Alpha Female thinks that Thing 1 managed to open up and write that message in an application that Alpha Female didn't even know was installed on her computer, seriously. What she doesn't know is that I'm secretly helping Thing 1 learn how to blog.

Locomotion

Thing 2 may have been slow hitting some of her milestones, but now that she's started it seems there is no stopping her. I still don't understand why humans think they are so much smarter than dogs when puppies can walk shortly after birth and it takes human babies several months just to learn how to crawl, but that is the way of the world and I am learning to accept it. Thing 2 is now pushing up onto her hands and knees, I can't imagine it will be too much longer before she is crawling all over the house and trying to eat out of my dog bowl. I mean, wouldn't that be the first place you would crawl to? I can't imagine any place in the house that she would want to get to more than my dog bowl, besides maybe the Alphas' potty bowl.

Go Gators!

Did I Mention the Teeth?

After waiting for what feels like an eternity, Thing 2 has finally sprouted teeth! She's got two bottom teeth now and I expect more will soon follow. I say bring on the Cheerios!

Undisclosed Location

You may have noticed that I don't like to share very much identifying information about myself, like where I live or what my family's real names are. This is because I'm afraid of covert operatives. You see, when you are as famous and intelligent as me, and your family won't hire a body guard to protect you, you must always be on the lookout for people who may kidnap you and force you to solve complex mathematical equations. I don't want to make this any easier for the hoodlums by telling them exactly where they can find me. However, I don't think I'll be giving away too much by saying that it has been raining here a lot lately.

People seem to have strong opinions about rain. Generally, I hear people say, "But it's good; we need the rain." However, I don't like rain, not one little bit. When it rains, my bathroom gets all wet and who likes to go potty when the toilet is soggy? It's just gross. The problem, as I found out yesterday, is that my bladder will only hold so much.

Here's the situation. When I woke up yesterday morning, I discovered that it had been raining most of the night. So I decided not to use the facilities, I could wait, or so I thought. A few hours later, Alpha Male came into Thing 1's bedroom and discovered a trail of warm fluid on the ground. Immediately he suspected Thing 1. "Great," I thought, he'll never figure out that it was me. However, when Alpha Male couldn't figure out why Thing 1 would take her diaper off, pee on the floor, and then put her diaper back on, he decided to ask her about the situation. And to my surprise, Thing 1 ratted me out faster than I could blink my furry little eyes. She pointed to the wet spot and said, "Gauss pee pee eeewwwwww." If you ask me, it's still not as gross as going pee pee on a wet toilet.

A-B-C Easy as 1-2-3

You know what drives me crazy? It's parents who think that their kids are so great. These parents can just go on and on about how brilliant their completely average kids are, or how well behaved their monster children are, or how beautiful their perfectly ordinary babies are.

Dogs have a different relationship with the kids that they live with. We are much more objective than their parents. And do you know why nonobjective parents drive me crazy? It's because I know that their children could never be as smart, well behaved, or beautiful as my two Things. And because the dog is always a neutral observer, when I say that the Things are perfect, genius models, you know that it's not just my opinion, but actual fact.

We'll start with talking about how smart Thing 1 is. She knows all of her letters and she's only two years old! I'm talking Einstein material here. She's practically reading already. In fact, she can read if the word is "I" or "A." Have you ever heard of such a prodigy?

And don't even get me started on good manners, Thing 1 has great manners! Thing 1 says please without being asked and she even says thank you sometimes without being asked. She always turns on the best manners to get a free cookie and a free balloon at the grocery store. And just look at those table manners. Need I say more?

Finally, Thing 2 has got the good looks department covered. Just look at that face! And she's already learning Latin. She might give me a run for my money in our mental pursuits.

I am so lucky to get to live with two perfect little girls!

Memorable Days

There are a few days in a dog's life that the dog will remember forever. For most of us, these are the day we come to live with our forever family, the day our forever family tells us we're going someplace to get "fixed" and we come home broken, and the day we discover that if we just do what our forever family asks us to do they will give us food. Of course, I remember all of these days (the day I got fixed I tried to run outside to chase an armadillo, it hurt), but I also can add another day to my list. That day would be yesterday. Yesterday was the first day that Thing 1 got out of bed all by herself and walked into the Alphas' room early in the morning and woke them up.

It seems that the Alphas thought it would be a good idea to move Thing 1 out of her crib. Of course, the down side to that is that Thing 1 now has free range of the house at any hour, just like me. She decided that 6:45 was a good time to wake up. I don't think the Alphas agreed with her, but they really didn't have a choice, so we were all up bright and early on Saturday. You sure can get a lot done if you start before the sun comes up. The Alphas came a long way in getting the house back in order after neglecting it (and me) all summer. I really appreciate that they took the time to give me a rawhide bone. Yum.