The Day After

I hope everybody had a great Halloween. I know I did. I love it when the doorbell rings, it gives me a great excuse to bark for an awkwardly long time.

Last week, Alpha Female went to New York City for work. She participated in mediating and settling a patent infringement case for a client. She was in a great mood after she was done working. She called Alpha Male and I could hear her blathering on about how much she loved her job and how happy she was that she went to law school. She got home very late last Friday night, actually it was very early Saturday morning. We were already asleep here. I was the only one that got up to greet her, so I was the only one that saw her hide something under her coat before she went to bed. A couple of hours later, I was awoken to the sounds of Alpha Male walking around the house in the middle of the night. This is something he never does, so I stuck close by to make sure he wasn't going to try to drive in his sleep or something. Again, I was the only witness to him finding the box that was hidden under Alpha Female's coat and I watched him dance around the kitchen like an eight-year-old on Christmas morning. What I found out later was that Alpha Female bought him a camera while she was in NYC. And not just any camera, but a camera he had been pining for for a long time and is out of stock almost everywhere (including the first two stores that Alpha Female visited to buy it). That's very nice, but where is the appreciation for all of the hard work, support, and sacrifices that I made while she was in school?

What does this all have to do with Halloween you may ask. Well, because Alpha Male had the camera, he was able to take these photos and videos of Snow White, Ariel, and Sleepy on Halloween:

Snow White, Ariel, and Sleepy Enjoy Halloween 2009 from gauss dogg on Vimeo.

Self Taught

It's been so long since I've posted an update that I'm not sure where to start. I haven't been able to post in a while because I'm exhausted by all the kids in this house and spending my spare time sleeping. Of course, as always the Alphas will tell you that they are handling things just fine, but I'll tell you the truth. The house is constantly a wreck, the dirty clothes hampers runeth over, the grass is about two feet high, and instead of doing the dishes the Alphas just bought more sippy cups. If the Alphas would just turn the football games off for a couple of hours maybe they could make this house presentable. But I digress from the big news of the day.

Thing 2 has potty trained herself! After her bath last night she did the potty dance. Alpha Female thought this was kind of weird since the Alphas have made no effort to encourage her use of the potty. Luckily I was able to whip my stenograph out in time to record the following conversation:

Alpha Female: Thing 2, do you need to use the potty?

Thing 2: Yeah.

Alpha Female: Go tell Daddy you need to use the potty. (Way to pass the buck!)

Alpha Male: Thing 2, do you need to use the potty?

Thing 2: Yeah. (There's a lot of repetition in this house.)

Thing 2: (Sitting on potty.) (Lots of grunting and funny faces.)

Alpha Male: (quietly) I think she's going to poop!

Alpha Female: No way! That would be very weird, we haven't even started potty training her.

Thing 1: (closing the bathroom door) She needs her privacy!

Thing 2: (more grunting)

Alpha Male: Hurray! She did it! Thing 2, you went poopy in the potty!

Alpha Female: Hurry, give her some chocolate! (I have know idea why she said that, I figure it was just a random comment.)

Thing 1: Yay!

Thing 2: Yeah.

At this point I packed up the stenograph, but she followed up with refusing to wear a diaper until she went pee pee on the potty and she used the potty again tonight. It wasn't all that long ago that Thing 1 did this and the Alphas are weirdly excited again. I saw Alpha Female bring in big boxes of diapers, diaper wipes, and pull-ups from the store today. Why would they want to give all that up?

Where did I put that again?

Thing 1 had a doctor's appointment today to check on her broken arm. Do you see anything weird in this x-ray? (Besides Alpha Female and Thing 1 holding hands.)



In the bottom left of the picture, you can see a foreign object in the cast. How did it get there? Thing 1 must have shoved it in. Fortunately, as it turns out, Thing 1 had to have the little cast replaced with a big cast that goes to her shoulder. When the little cast was removed, the Alphas were pleased to discover that the foreign object was the cover for the mouse pointer on Alpha Female's laptop. They had been looking for that for days. Alpha Female had even asked Thing 1 where it was and Thing 1 said that Thing 2 had taken it. She was lying! I hope the Alphas remember this and don't believe her the next time she says that I ate her missing food.

Owww! My Arm!

I thought the big news this month would be that Horton is finally sleeping through the night. It has been a week now without the Alphas getting up to feed him in the middle of the night. And he actually has a reasonable schedule. Asleep by 9:00 p.m., awake after 7:00 a.m. And with how much Alpha Female has been fixated on and looking forward to this momentous accomplishment, I thought I would have to listen to her celebrate and talk about nothing else for weeks. But Thing 1 managed to top Horton's accomplishment.


You are probably wondering, "How is that possible?" Well, she acquired super powers. Hard to believe, but it's true. The problem is she only acquired partial super powers. She has the ability to jump over sofas in a single bound, but her bones aren't hard enough to withstand the landing. That is why Alpha Female had to rush to the emergency room after receiving a somewhat misleading phone call letting her know that there "might" be something wrong with Thing 1's arm. Might be? I've never seen an arm all twisted around like that when there wasn't something wrong. Actually, I've just never seen an arm all twisted around like that. And unless she is Elastigirl, the bones weren't going to pop back in place by themselves. For your enjoyment, I have included a picture of her singing and dancing around the x-ray room after her multiple x-rays, but you might not want to look too closely at her right hand.


So after spending the afternoon at the emergency room, they received the worse news of the day, Thing 1 wouldn't be able to eat until after the cast was put on the next day at 2:30 P.M.!!!!!! What were they going to do when she got hungry? Of course she would ask for apple juice in the morning and that Thing does not like to hear, "No." If it had been me, I would have opted for the mangled arm rather than the missed breakfast. But Alpha Female is not so reasonable and decided to distract Thing 1 from her hunger pains by buying her things. And to make it worse (I just don't understand Alpha Female) she decided to make a show of solidarity by not eating or drinking until Thing 1 was able to.

They left the house around 8:00 a.m. with a mission to not notice the hunger pains. The library and the ducks outside the library occupied them for a while, but then the spending began. They went to the mall and bought jewelry, got a haircut, made a doll and named her Lucy, and bought ponytail holders. Then they traveled over to Toys R Us and bought halloween costumes for the Things and walked every aisle while Thing 1 pointed to each toy and said, "You can get me this for my birthday!" I think Alpha Female agreed to buy pretty much the whole store for Thing 1's fourth birthday.


They arrived at the hospital at the appointed time and drew pictures, read books, and watched cartoons for about three hours before Thing 1 and Lucy were happily carried back to the operating room. About a half hour later Alpha Female joined them in recovery and noticed that both Dana and Lucy had beautiful pink casts on their right arms! I think that Alpha Female is in love with the entire surgical staff at the hospital because of that thoughtful gesture.


Thing 1 is recovering beautifully. In fact, she thought that yesterday was her birthday because she got so much stuff. And she has been eating candy nonstop since coming home from the hospital. I've counted at least four lollipops today. Is that what it takes around here, do I have to break my leg to get an extra dog biscuit?

Thumbkin

This morning Alpha Female was giving Thing 1 a manicure. Thing 1 was happily admiring Alpha Female's work when she appeared to be overcome by emotion and said, "I love you." Of course, Alpha Female beamed from all the love in the room and said, "I love you, too, honey" and moved in for a kiss. To which Thing 1 replied, "No! I was talking to my thumb." Which was followed by Thing 1 looking lovingly at her thumb and repeating, "I love you, I love you, I love you." I find the whole thing a little weird, but what do I know, I've never had thumbs.

Horton Gets a Room

Most parents have a room decorated for their baby long before the baby is born. Poor Horton, his parents are not like most. About two weeks ago he finally got to move out of the Alphas' bedroom and into a room of his own. This was made possible because the Things were consolidated into one bedroom. The Things have taken to it surprisingly well. Thing 1 likes to come out of their room and tell on Thing 2. I guess Thing 1 has decided that it is against the rules for Thing 2 to stand up in her crib. So whenever Thing 2 stands up, Thing 1 stands in her doorway and yells, "Thing 2 is standing up!" That makes Thing 2 cry, which makes Thing 1 say, "Stop crying! Mommy, Thing 2 is crying and waking me up!" And this is actually better than the Alphas thought it would go. I'm not sure what they were expecting. Maybe more hair pulling?

But I digress. My point is that Horton now has his own room. But it is kind of a weird room for a boy. After living in it for two weeks, it now has a blue changing pad cover (instead of a pink one), a jungle animal bumper pad, and a yellow crib sheet (instead of a pink one). But there are still flowery curtains and a flowery pink fan and Thing 2's name is still on the shelf on the wall. Just yesterday, Horton's name went up on the shelf, but it is kind of haphazardly placed on top of Thing 2's. You would think that the Alphas could have found a few minutes during the twelve weeks of Horton's life or the nine months of Alpha Female's pregnancy to spruce up a room a little bit. Poor Horton. I think the only reason he's not sleeping through the night yet is so that he can guarantee himself a little one on one time with a parent. It doesn't bother him that it's the middle of the night.

Happy Anniversary Alphas

Ten years ago today, the Alphas woke up to an innkeeper pounding on their door and inviting them down to breakfast. Ten minutes later, they woke up to the innkeeper pounding on their door and inviting them down to breakfast again. Five minutes after that they had the pleasure of waking up to the innkeeper pounding on the door and warning them to come down to breakfast or else. They still haven't figured out why that innkeeper didn't figure out that they wanted to sleep past 8:00 a.m. the morning after they got married. They assured me that her breakfast wasn't that good. And that was the last time they stayed at a B&B.
This morning, the Alphas woke up to Thing 1 saying, "Mommy, the sun is up. Time to get up. Daddy, I want to watch a movie!" And it wasn't even 7 a.m. Within minutes, Horton was demanding food and Thing 2 needed to be picked up and carried everywhere. Even though they woke up an hour earlier and didn't get to sleep through the night, the Alphas think that August 22, 2009 is better than August 22, 1999.