Alien Planet

Have you ever been somewhere and known that you were different than everybody else there? I don't mean like being the only Schnauzer in a room full of Great Danes. I mean more like being the only Schnauzer that likes to poo on nicely manicured lawns in a room full of Schnauzers with less discriminating toileting habits. The kind of different that you can't tell by looking, but goes so deep that you may as well not both be Schnauzers. Alpha Female had this experience last Friday. The way she tells it, she was the only normal mom in a room full of deluded moms, but I think if you ask any of the other moms that were there, they would say she was the only slacker mom in a room full of perfect moms.

It all started out very well intentioned, Alpha Female decided to take both Things to a Gymboree class. She thought that because it was a "family" class there would be other siblings there. That was the first thing she was wrong about. Every other mom there had only one child. Each of those children were perfectly dressed, their hair was brushed, and their faces were clean. In contrast, Thing 1 was sweaty and sandy from playing in the sandbox at school. Her hair was, well, let's just say "crazy." Thing 2 had boogers encrusted all over her face and Alpha Female was using Thing 2's shirt to wipe her nose. On the upside, they were both very well behaved. Thing 1 listened well to directions. She jumped like a frog, sang the songs, and played the instruments. She had clearly done all of this before at school and was enjoying herself and making Alpha Female proud.

After the class, Thing 1 wanted to play on the Gymboree playground. The problem was that sometime during the class Thing 1 had poo'ed her pants. Because Alpha Female is gross and that stuff doesn't bother her, she let Thing 1 play on the playground for a little while before deciding it was time to go change Thing 1's diaper. Thing 1 clearly didn't want to leave so, of course, Alpha Female started bribing her. She started with, "Let's go play with Daddy!" To which Thing 1 replied, "NO DADDY!!!!" It was at this point that Alpha Female decided she was going to have to act quickly to avoid humiliation in the form of a full scale temper tantrum in front of all the other moms. So Alpha Female did what any normal mom would do, she picked up Thing 2 in one arm and a very squirmy Thing 1 in the other arm and tried to get the heck out of there.

Alpha Female wasn't scared, she knew she could handle this. All she had to do was get the Things' shoes back on them and get out to the car. However, Thing 1 had other plans. When Alpha Female set her down on the floor to put her shoes on, Thing 1 shouted, "NOOO!," laid on her back, and pushed herself all the way across the room with her feet, like an inch worm, until she was huddled in the far corner, on her back, screaming random words. Alpha Female still thought she could deal with this. She just turned her attention to Thing 2, put her shoes on and figured she'd get back to Thing 1 after she calmed down a little bit. However, Thing 1's plans did not include calming down.

Alpha Female was trying to minimize the scene as much as possible because she could hear all the mother's of the perfectly coiffed children staring at her, judging her, and whispering, "My child would NEVER do THAT." After attempting to reason with Thing 1 for a few minutes, Alpha Female finally realized that was a dead end. She switched to Plan C and figured she could just carry Thing 1 out to the car without shoes on. Surely some empathetic mother would help open the door for her, I mean, every mom has been out in public at some point when her child has decided to have a completely irrational meltdown, right? So Alpha Female gathered her resolve. She gathered Thing 1's shoes and Thing 2 in one arm and reached down for Thing 1 with the other. She was wiggly and sweaty and loud, but no match for Alpha Female. Alpha Female got a good grip on her and was ready to wisk the commotion out the door, if just somebody would give a sympathetic look and offer to open the door for her.

At about this point, Alpha Female finally started to get it, she was not like the other moms at Gymboree. They all played classical music to their embryos, served only organic food, and thought that their children's language skills benefitted from counting to three in Portugese once a week at Gymboree class. Alpha Female doesn't own a CD player, bribes her child with chocolate, and has never bothered to learn Portugese. Now she was paying the price for these transgressions. Nobody was going to get the door for her. She'd have to manage on her own.

Somehow she did it. She held a smiling, oblivious nine month old and a shrieking, convulsing two-year old while turning a doorknob at the same time. Unfortunately, in doing so, her grip on Thing 1 started to slip, but at least they were outside, they were getting closer to the car.

Once outside, Thing 1's wails quickly alerted the whole neighborhood to the fact that there was a wild toddler in the vicinity. Just a few more feet to go and everybody could be safely strapped in the car. Alpha Female was clutching Thing 1 at about mid thigh height now. She had to set her down and readjust her grip to make it to the car. But how would she open the car door? Wouldn't Thing 1 dart away like a crazy person if Alpha Female took her hand off of her to open the car? Should she set Thing 2 down on the asphalt and keep a hand on Thing 1?

It was while Alpha Female was wondering these things that an angel appearred. An angel in the form of an employee of a running store next door. This wonderful, sympathetic, normal mom lent a hand by opening the car door and Alpha Female was able to throw Thing 1 in the back seat and close the door before she escaped. She was then able to strap Thing 2 in the car and come back to get Thing 1 strapped in to her carseat, normally a 10 second process, this time it took 10 minutes and several advanced wrestling moves. After a twenty minute car ride, with blood curdling screams coming from the backseat for half of it, they arrived at home.

I'm normally sad that dogs aren't welcome at all the places people can go, but I'm glad I wasn't invited to Gymboree with them. How embarrasing to be associated with a crazy family like that!