Guest Blogger

I'm going to do something that I've never done before. I am going to allow a guest writer to post to my blog. This is unprecedented! By reading this blog, you are a witness to history. And here she is, Alpha Female, Esq.

Thank you, Gauss. I appreciate your magnanimity in allowing me to post to your blog. I promise to reward you by giving you a dog cookie tonight. I would like to take advantage of this forum Gauss has provided by thanking everybody for their support and encouragement over the last four years. Gauss was right, I did pass the bar exam and I was sworn in as a member of the bar on Wednesday. It's been a long road to get here and I couldn't have done it without the help and love of Alpha Male and so many family and friends. The time I spent in law school hasn't always been easy for us and I thank you all for the babysitting, encouragement, or kind thoughts you have provided to me. Heck, just reading this blog is a big favor to me because it keeps Gauss in a good mood. And with that, I'm going to hand it back over to Gauss.

Geez, Alpha Female...I'm sorry about Alpha Female's post. That is exactly why I don't allow guest bloggers, she promised me she wouldn't get all sappy. I've got to go spend a few hours barking for no apparent reason now so that she understands how upset I am with her over the inappropriate blog. I wonder if that means I won't get the dog cookie she just promised me?

The Results Are In

I'm home all by myself right now so I can't be sure, but I think that Alpha Female just found out that she passed the bar exam! Alpha Female works about 10 minutes away from here, so I usually can't hear her while she is at work. However, as you may be aware, dogs have an exceptionally well developed ability to hear high pitched sounds and while I was taking my second nap of the morning, I was awoken by the sound of distant squealing. I'm pretty sure that I recognize the squealing as Alpha Female's excited squeal. And I do know that the bar results were scheduled to be released on the bar website today. So there you have it, I'm going to report that Alpha Female has passed the bar and then made a fool of herself at work by squealing like a little girl. I'm pretty sure that she's going to make us all call her "Esquire" now.

QUIET!

Don't get me wrong, I like peace and quiet as much as the next guy. When the Alphas watch football, I have to go in the other room because it's just too loud. But there are some sounds that even a curmudgeon like me can't complain about. These are things like birds chirping in the morning, waves crashing on the beach, and babies babbling to their mommies. Well, actually, birds chirping in the morning drive me nuts. I hate it when those stupid birds wake me up. And waves crashing on the beach can be annoying too. I don't really like playing in ocean water. I'm afraid I'm going to get carried away to the Bahamas, and I hear that schnauzer is a Bahamian delicacy. I guess that just leaves baby babbling as the only sound that nobody can complain about hearing. At least I thought that nobody could complain about the sound of precious little Thing 2 sitting in the back of the car quietly saying things like, "ba ba ba ba" and "gu da geeee." It turns out that I'm wrong. There is at least one person who can complain about these sounds. It's Thing 1. When she hears this adorable baby babbling, she responds by placing her finger over her lips and saying, "Quiet!" I guess there was a really good song on the radio that she wanted to hear.

Why?

Tonight, Thing 1 disappeared into the Alphas' bathroom for a little bit. Then she walked into the kitchen, looked at Alpha Female, made a little bit of a gagging sound and started spitting out ponytail holders. I counted them. She had six adult sized ponytail holders in her mouth. For some reason, she felt compelled to take them out of a drawer in the bathroom, cram them into her mouth, carry them across the house in her mouth, and then regurgitate them in front of Alpha Female. Why does she decide to do that, but not decide to tell an Alpha when she has poop in her diaper? Humans are weird.

Errors and Omissions

Thing 2 would like for me to make it clear that she did not actually pee on the carpet. She leaves stuff like that to her sister. Thing 1 would like for me to make it clear that she did pee on the tile last night. She takes her job seriously.

Also, I think I might have been wrong about the infestation. It is possible that the skittering sound was the sound of Thing 2 army crawling across the living room. I didn't know this when I first reported on the incident, but it turns out that Thing 2 can crawl now. Who knew?

Third World Country

Last night, the power went off around 6:00 p.m. Luckily, I had already eaten, but the humans all had dinner by candlelight. Thing 1 read a bedtime story with a flashlight. Then the Alphas got bored, so Alpha Female sent Alpha Male out to gather some ice cream while she stayed home and tried to decide whether burning strawberry, rose, cucumber, and cantaloupe scented candles all at the same time was a good idea. Alpha Male discovered that the ice cream store didn't have power, so they had sent everybody home and were closed. I think this is when the reality of life without electricity set in for the Alphas and they started to panic. After playing a game for a while and deciding that the candles made the house smell like a fruit stand, they decided to go to bed. There was some complaining about how hot it was in the house without A/C. I'm not sure why they were complaining, I'm the one wearing the permanent fur coat. Much to our relief, the power came back on at 3:00 a.m. However, when Thing 2 got up this morning, I think she was inspired by the evening without electricity and decided to return to a simpler life, a life in which babies don't wear diapers. So she took her diaper off. Now the house smells like fruit stand that a homeless person has converted into a bathroom.

I Think it Might be an Infestation

Yesterday, Alpha Female was in the kitchen taking care of Thing 1. Thing 1 was saying things like, "mine," "I don't want it," "cheese," and "oh no!" So, naturally, Alpha Female was running around and catering to Thing 1's every whim and desire while I stood by and patiently asked for only one thing, to be fed on time. As dinner time came and went, we heard a skittering sound coming from the living room where Thing 2 was hanging out. It almost sound like something, or someone, crawled (maybe an army crawl) across the floor. Alpha Female went to check on the situation while I stayed in the kitchen on crumb patrol, so I don't know exactly what Alpha Female saw. However, I did hear Alpha Female say, "How did you get all the way over here?" Of course Thing 2 didn't answer her. (I don't know when Alpha Female will finally figure out that Thing 2 can't answer her questions.) Meanwhile, Thing 1 was busy using her fingers to scoop spreadable cheese out of a tub and I was busy watching the ground for globs of cheese. When Alpha Female came back in the kitchen, she asked Thing 1 what happened to the apple. Thing 1 only said, "eat." And when Alpha Male got home, the apple was still sitting on the counter and he asked the same question. To which Alpha Female responded, "I don't know, but you might want to ask Thing 1." What I can't figure out is why she didn't say, "You might want to ask Gauss." I know the answer! The only thing that can explain all of the weird events in my house yesterday is a giant bug invasion! First, the bugs snuck in and carried Thing 2 across the living room as a distraction. Then some other bugs snuck into the kitchen and mutilated the apple while we were all distracted. I just want the bugs to know that I'm on to them.

Dog Days of Summer

Aren't dogs entitled to summer vacations? Don't let this get out, but I have a cat friend, and yesterday she mentioned that I hadn't been blogging very much. Then today my human grandmom said the same thing. Alpha Female then laid in to me about being lazy and to top it all off Alpha Male just asked me out of the blue if I had stopped blogging. I guess I'm glad that people have noticed that I've been on vacation, but, jeez, can't a dog get a little break? Every now and then I have to recharge my creative juices. And, just maybe, nothing worth mentioning has been happening in my house. Well, that's not likely, but it could happen.

To make up for my absence, let me catch you up on what's been going on here. Thing 1 has taken the keys off of Alpha Female's laptop...again. Alpha Female has replaced the keys on her laptop and she still doesn't always remember to close her laptop when she's done with it. One day last week, Alpha Female walked into her bedroom to find Thing 1 sitting on the chair in front of the laptop with a pen in her right hand and various pieces of paper scattered about the desk. Alpha Female watched her scribble on one piece of paper and then move to the next and scribble on that piece of paper, then Thing 1 typed a few words and went back to her random scribbling. That night, Alpha Female said to Alpha Male, "Don't you think it's funny that she thinks that is what I do all day, just make random scribbles?" Well, I for one, don't think it's funny, I think it is actually what Alpha Female does all day. Have you ever read a patent application or any other legal document? Anyways, I saved the note that Thing 1 typed and have included it in its entirety:

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ/ ?


cx

xc vbvgbbb,,.,,,, b

I couldn't agree with her more. By the way, Alpha Female thinks that Thing 1 managed to open up and write that message in an application that Alpha Female didn't even know was installed on her computer, seriously. What she doesn't know is that I'm secretly helping Thing 1 learn how to blog.